It was big, it was reptilian, it was purple
by lunartick
Summary: The greatest challenge yet for the Genei Ryodan! Never have they faced anything so big, so purple, so... well... ambiguous. First fanfic. Forgive my mistakes. Hunter X Hunter does not belong to me. Completed!
1. Chapter 1

It was big, it was reptilian, and it was purple.

Candles burned brightly – or as brightly as they could in the overwhelming gloom. The overcast weather, the lack of city lights, the more than heavy drizzle all led to darkness. Within every corner, shadows lay – dancing, dancing over the graves of light. It flickered, it struggled, but in the end, the light could not win the darkness. It was deep, went deeper than anyone could imagine. Unlike the darkness that comes with the night, or the darkness that lies at the bottom of the deepest ocean, this darkness had a life to it. It pulsated and throbbed, and brought to mind the darkness that comes with teeth and claw. Yet no thunderclouds, no flickering shadows, no lack of city lights could produce a darkness as heavy as the ones in the hearts of the people present.

A darkness which was instantly shattered by the devastating howl of a disappointed man.

"Dancho, you can't mean it!" Ubogin wailed, "You called me away from the annual Fight Fest (All Fists no Weapons – except for those we can't see) for this? You've got to be kidding!"

Kuroro Lucifer, almighty leader of the Kumo, the Genei Ryodan, the greatest bandits in the world, struggled furiously with his greatest enemy yet – the twitch that was developing in his left eyebrow. "Yes, I did, Ubogin. Are you disappointed?"

"Yes!" Ubogin wailed, ignoring Shalnark's attempts to calm him down with York Shin Famous Chocolate Balls (Product is not responsible for food poisoning or any other random symptoms similar to those of above mentioned illness).

"Do you mean you will not follow me?" Kuroro insisted, "Are you not willing to carry out the Spider's missions any longer?" The twitch grew even more insistent and he struggled to maintain an aristocratically blank look.

"No…" Ubogin sniffed and took the pink handkerchief Machi passed to him, "but Dancho… this mission is well…" He blew his nose uninhibitedly then passed it to Machi who threw it in the direction of a certain crazed magician.

"Unlikely," Phinx muttered.

"Dancho?" Shalnark tried, "This… uh… mission… is rather… well… like Phinx says, it is really rather…"

"Unlikely."

"Right. It's well… not like the attack at the York Shin auction… or at the Kuruta Tribe… or the well… other missions… it's rather…"

"Unlikely."

Kuroro sighed. The battle was lost. With nothing holding it back now, the twitching went into full force, almost driving his other eyebrow into the same motion. "This is mission is on," he snapped, trying to keep at least his tone neutral."

"But Dancho," Ubo whined, "You are… well… well… well…"

Kuroro glared.

"Dancho dear, I find all your missions cute and adorable, but only because they are exciting and fun," Hisoka, the only person in the room who was unafraid of the twitch, stated, "but this time, what you are asking us to find is a well…"

Kuroro smiled. "Yes, Hisoka. A lizard."

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"Nice weather," Raoul, a random fisherman who does not appear in HunterXHunter commented, "Nice weather for some really nice fishing, don't you think so?"

"It would appear so father," Raoul's son, a boy officially named Tom, but whom secretly called himself Hamlet replied, "It is indeed most glorious weather that could lead to the clear visibility of the rainbow salmon within the crystal waters of the Jug's Lake." His father laughed delightedly, and Tom aka Hamlet rolled his eyes. The coarseness of the village language, the brash laughter, the banal principles – torture for a man well read in the whole works of Shakespeare (Summary in Five Minutes). Sniffing miserably, he gently stroked his pet parrot, Macbeth as he returned his attention to the book.

Raoul raised a spear and aimed carefully at the fish. "My o'son gets to decide what we do with the first fish we spear!"

"Boiled."

"… Ha… good one!" Raoul hesitated, and wondered about his son. No living creature ate things boiled! Why, that would make them all soft and limpy! Always eat them fried, with enough fat to give your arteries a heart attack before they gave you a heart attack! "I meant what we would _really_ do with it."

"Boil it."

"Ah… so that wasn't a joke?"

"No, my dearest father."

Raoul frowned and pondered about his son's mental and sexual orientation. "Right."

It was then than a rainbow salmon swam really, really close to the boat, right within the perfect spearing distance. Thus Raoul raised his trustworthy spear and took careful aim. His breathing fell into the gentle thrashing of his heart as his eyes narrowed. Slowly… slowly…

"What the…"

The entire lake lurched upwards, like a giant trying to get up. A hideous roar rang through the village, as something (not the lake) tried to rise from the lake.

"Paddle, Tommy! Hurry!"

"What's it, Father?"

"Row! Row!"

"But what is it?"

"It's the purple lizard!"

"What?"

"It's the bone crushing salamander!"

"… Father?"

"It's the –Ing!"

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Far above the lake on a conveniently place cliff, a man in a dark trench coat stood, carefully out of range of the monster, as well as the waves. Fur was hard to clean he sometimes wondered why he wore them. Smiling pleasantly, he watched the fisherman's boat fly to safety, as beautiful lines of poetry formed in his head, just as before every heist.

_What do you know of beautiful purple lizards? _

_Nothing in truth, but the huge great hazards. _

_Not that it matters to every one of us. _

_We are there mainly to fill our purse. _

Still smiling his incredibly dreamy smile, he watched the fishing boat crash land and the occupants scramble out as he picked up his hand phone and pressed the speed dial. "It is time. Gather as many men as possible and gather at headquarters."

"… Kuroro?"

"…"

"It is you, isn't it?"

"No… I am… eh… a telemarketer? Ha ha… would you like to buy our… well… latest… ha ha… perfume?"

"It is you, you morally bankrupt, egoistically enlarged, mentally twisted, highly demented spider, let this be a warning to you! I am going to destroy you and your web of hollow robbers for wiping out my entire…"

He switched it off in a great hurry. Curse Hisoka for putting the crazed Kuruta's last surviving member's number on his speed dial right next to his Genei Ryodan contacts. Come to think of it, curse him for allowing Hisoka to come back into the Genei Ryodan after he played the stupid trick on all of them. He dialed again, carefully this time, taking deep breaths to regain his previous poise and elegance.

"It is time. Gather as many men as possible and gather at headquarters."

"Ah. Dancho. As you say; but I predict a low turnout. This is a low priority mission, isn't it? I mean the chances of the… well… you know… from being discovered…"

"… The -Ing has been sighted."

"…"

"…"

"We're on our way."


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I have never, ever owned HXH in my entire life.

Indeed, it was at the Genei Ryodan Headquarters that they had congregated; a shabby warehouse set just two miles outside the village served well. As always, the weather over the headquarters was permanently cloudy, drizzly and humid. As always, Kuroro was there first before everyone else. As always, his hair was slicked back so neatly it made dandruff afraid to show itself. Even the rain had avoided it like the plague.

"Only the seven of you?" he asked, raising an elegantly plucked eyebrow.

"Yes, Dancho. The rest are still cleaning up the mess we made in York Shin City," Shalnark replied, looking as cheerful as always. Kuroro always wondered about that. Given the Genei Ryodan's reputation, it is only right… only appropriate that all of them wore the look of jaded, murderous… well… murderers.

"Be that as it must," he replied.

"Is it true?" Ubogin asked, "Have you really seen the -Ing?"

Kuroro smiled, making sure the sides of the lips raised just that slight millimeter, and the eyes remained as dark and hollow as before. As Dancho of the Genei Ryodan, he had a reputation to uphold. "With my very own eyes."

Ubogin grinned and did a little happy rain dance. "Can we kill it? Say we can! Order us to!"

"We want it alive, Ubogin, alive and well." He hesitated. "Or as alive and well as possible… I mean… it has been living in a lake for the large majority of its life… bound to have some really nasty diseases if you ask me… "

"Aw?"

"Don't pout. It will not be easy to capture it, especially with the state of mind the villagers are in now."

"What?" Machi said, making it sound more like a "huh" then a "HUH?", stepping forward, probably to avoid the sexually ambiguous clown standing behind her. She went to the window and looked out then drew back with a look of pure horror on her face. Raising her hand to her face, she hesitated - then drew out a handkerchief and tried in vain to wipe away the twitching green things growing on the window pane away so she could at least see out.

"Let me help you," a pale tattooed face purred from behind her. Before she could respond, pink slimy nen stuck onto the sides of the window pane, and what was once glass, but was now a Petri dish, was conveniently removed.

Scowling, and sniffing condescendingly, she returned to the window, trying to ignore Hisoka peering out curiously from behind her shoulder.

"What the…" She gaped even as Hisoka started to cackle in amusement.

Even from two miles away, they could see the tiny village. Well not so much the tiny village, but the huge hot air balloon in the shape of a purple… well… it would have to be a lizard (a conclusion reached by impossibly linking the -Ing to the balloon) floating over it. Happy cheers and screams came from the village, as people dressed entirely in purple ran about totally oblivious to the look of disgust on the faces of the gods above. The voices rang far and true, all the way to the ears of the horrified Spiders.

"_Buy two get one free! Buy two get one free! Beautiful -Ing carvings definitely not made in China! Ignore stamp at base of statues that states otherwise!" _

"_Three fried –Ing pork chops for the price of two -ing gils! -Ing pork chop guaranteed to be originally purple in the first place!" _

"_Sit on the -Ing Viking for only five gils! Five gils only! Make it three gils if you wanna go on without any seat belts!" _

"_Buy –Ing shoes for fifteen gils! Teeth on it are guaranteed real!"_

"_-Ing stamps! Buy one for the price of two gils! Three for the price of eight gils only! Good price! Good price!" _

"What the…" Shalnark muttered from behind her other shoulder as Ubogin peered over her head, Shizuku sitting on his shoulder for the best view.

"What is it?" Phinx asked from behind as Feitan tried to look out of the window without appearing too short to do so i.e. without the cramming of the neck and the slight tip-toeing of the feet.

"Human nature at its worst," Shalnark muttered, "The purple… all the purple… Lord Almighty above, save us from this damnation!"

Kuroro smiled at the jaded look that settled over the boy genius's face. That was the look of a true Spider! "That is, unfortunately, very true," he announced, drawing the Genei Ryodan's attention back to him, "the people have discovered that the -Ing is a magnet for filthily rich and wickedly wealthy tourists, not to mention Hunters, poachers and other miscellaneous characters. Even if the -Ing has vanished mysteriously into the deep recesses of the lake that lies within the Jug Forest, they will not allow us to claim it. It is, at this moment, a great tourist attraction."

"Does that mean…" Ubogin stopped to allow for his mental processes to catch up with his ears, "We get to _kill _people? As in actually make the heart stop pumping and the lungs stop breathing and well… etc…"

Kuroro smiled. "I order it. Well… in the sense that you kill people when they are in the way… not when… you know… they are just hanging around doing nothing…"

"Whoopee!" Ubogin started on another rain dance, clapping his hands and stomping his feet. "Let's go, uh huh, let's go, uh huh, let's go!"

"We will go in groups of two to search the whole forest and lake," Kuroro instructed, eyeing Ubogin carefully even as an epiphany eyed him from on top, "Ubogin with Sharlnark…"

"Buddies!" Ubogin roared, sweeping Sharlnark up in a bear hug as the poor boy struggled to draw in some oxygen, while still carrying on with Ubogin's Special Rain Dance.

"Phinx and Feitan." The epiphany zeroed in the crosshairs on him.

Both killers nodded and exchanged evil smirks of camaraderie.

"Me and…" Crosshairs locked.

"Me! Please!" Machi almost howled.

"Shizuku." Turbo engines started.

"Damn…" Machi glared at Hisoka, her new partner as he giggled and waved at her.

"And now we go…" Before he could finish his sentence, the epiphany zeroed in on him and struck him hard on the head, "… and Ubogin is banned from doing the rain dance for the rest of his life."

"Huh? Why?"

"Because it causes the ridiculous thunderstorms that always surround our headquarters."

"Oh…"

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It was thus within town, that Machi and Hisoka found themselves, staring helplessly at the different shades of purple dancing before their eyes.

"That is so perverted," Machi muttered, as a particularly obscene shade of indigo started doing the tango with a flirty shade of violet. Hisoka's only response was a chuckle, and a gentle flip of his hands to produce an ace of spades.

A little boy in a -Ing suit dashed past, screaming happily as a little girl in a purple dress threw violet ice cream in his face.

"That's for destroying my Barbie -Ing!" the little girl howled, "Take some -Ing Sundae in your face, you horrible -Ing Hater!"

"Yeah? Well if you had let Mommy buy me the -Ing Robots, I wouldn't have done it, so there!"

Machi turned away and feeling a strange turmoil deep within the recesses of her intestines. "I think my colon just kicked my duodenum."

Hisoka smiled a smile that made the intestines decide to call a truce so they could cling together for emotional and digestive support. "Maybe I can help you?"

"You already did, now stay away from me. We need to find a boat to the island. Dancho wants us to take a boat while the rest find another way." She smirked as she recalled the look on their faces as she drew out the lucky lot i.e. the one with the happy little spider dancing with another happy little spider on it. That particular lot had given her many a sleepless night wondering about the origins of that picture.

"I see one there." Hisoka played happily with his cards as they trotted over to the little shed by the river. "Anyone there?" he called.

Suddenly, from the deepest recesses of the lake, a creature as round as a… well… round object, rose. Two meaty hands clung to a string of dead fish and thin purple lips broke into what had to be a smile.

"So, what do you want, dearies?" The creature (it turned out to be a rather well-rounded woman who was fishing in the lake with her bare hands) boomed onto shore, her arms wide open as if to give them a hug. Both Machi and Hisoka shrank back sharply before the words hit them.

Machi stared. The impossible had happened. A woman had actually called Hisoka "dearie". A shudder ran through her as a chill chased it down her spine. Horrors of horrors… and she couldn't make her tongue move. It had decided to hide firmly at the base of her mouth to avoid having to face the unavoidable sight of Hisoka grinning like a monkey that had just bonked another monkey on the head.

"A… well… boat…" her tongue finally decided to cooperate with her, "We need a boat." Her tongue caught sight of Hisoka, and darted back into her mouth again, squeaking like a crushed rat (that is still alive, of course, because it would be technically impossible for a dead rat to speak).

"Ah… for? Not –Ing hunting, I hope. That ain't allowed. The –Ing is important to us! It's a tourist attraction!"

"Sight-seeing?"

"Oh! Honeymoon, I see!"

Bile threatened to run up her esophagus and into her mouth. "H… honey… honeymoon?" Hisoka giggled and stepped nearer, his arm reached out to slide around her waist.

The pleasant woman smiled happily, the gleam of romance in her eyes. "A honeymoon! How sweet! I still remember mine!"

"We are not…" Machi whacked Hisoka's hand away.

"Ah! It must have been as lovely as ours!" Hisoka grinned as Machi shot him the most murderous look she could muster.

"Oh! It must have been!" the lady smiled, "And what a_ dashing _young man you've got yourself, young lady! I've always like men who stand out! Must have their own style, I always said."

Machi's eyes goggled as Hisoka beamed happily in total disregard of the murderous look that was currently hanging on to his left eyelid and pummeling him violently.

"I really did like mine. It was just the most marvelous time I had ever had!" her smile turned sly and she nudged Hisoka's arm with her elbow (an act that had made many people the butt of one-arm jokes), "Have some fun tonight!"

That was the last straw. Machi glared furiously, dumped a load of money on the table (it would have been blood, but Dancho said to buy her way through), leaped onto the nearest boat, dragging the egoistically boosted Hisoka with her and speeding for the isolated islands of forest out there. "Say a word and you will find yourself without a head."

Hisoka chuckled, giggled then flipped a card into his hands. Queen of Hearts. Beaming, he flicked the murderous look into the lake and lay back, ready to enjoy some alone time with his favourite spider girl, even if alone included clouds of mosquito and numerous hyperactive murderous glares… and well… purple unnamed lizards.


	3. Chapter 3

Thanks for the reviews I got! So far so good at least!

For Twin Sun Leader: Thanks for the great comments! I really appreciate it! It's very encouraging this being my first fanfic and all, so I'm eternally grateful to you!

For Kuroyue Nara: I'm not telling you! Ha ha! Thanks for the review at any rate! If you want to find out, you've got to read on… and REVIEW! (Just kidding – probably)

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"So… how we get across?" Shalnark asked, "We can't take the boat because Dancho said too many people getting the boat draws attention… and Machi and Hisoka won the draws so… well… they get a romantic boat ride together."

"I dunno," Ubogin shrugged, "but I know one thing… I don't want to have a romantic boat ride with you, even if I did kiss you."

"Well…" Shalnark raised his finger to his chin as he pouted adorably the way only anime guys can pout without looking girly, "Well… we could fly across I suppose… but that would mean renting a plane… and I don't see any airfields nearby. We could also well… make our own raft… as long as we don't let the locals find out… or we could…"

"Fish!" Ubogin dived into the lake and dog-paddled towards the fish, that rapidly darted away, rolling their eyes (metaphorically speaking of course)at the stupidity of a huge man trying to catch the nimble and swift rainbow salmon with his bare hands. That was, until they realised he wasn't trying to catch them with his hands, but with his hair.

"Or we could swim…" Shalnark rolled his eyes, "Right, swim. Ha! Like anyone would want to swim across two miles of muddy, stinky, disgusting water."

"Swim! Good! Uses less energy than thinking at any rate!" With that Ubogin forgot the fish and powered away towards the island cheerfully.

"Yeah… it's just like two miles. How difficult can _that_ be? That was a hint, Ubo! Take it!"

"Um… sir…"

Shalnark turned around startled, to find a young teen standing next to him, dressed entirely in an unrelieved shade of purple. A long pale hand with violet nail polish flipped purple tresses that hung limply around the shoulders. "Oh… hi… uh…"

"I'm Green, sir."

"Actually, I think that's purple."

"Oh, no sir, I'm called Green, sir."

"Oh…" Shalnark frowned, pondering on the pros and cons of calling a child Green, and what it would do to the child's mental and emotional growth.

"I've got a raft, sir, which nobody in the whole village knows about, sir. Don't ask how that is even possible, sir. Just take it as it is.Would you like me to boat you over, sir?"

"Oh… uh… that would be nice…" Shalnark frowned, and wondered about the pros and cons of getting into the same boat with a person called Green who wears only purple.

"I wouldn't spill on you sir."

"Ok…"

"Not as long as you… well… (wink)… you know?"

"Oh… uh… huh… HUH?" Shalnark gaped at her as the teen fluttered eyelashes covered lavishly in violet mascara.

"Well, sir, I would say it's a good deal sir. Villagers say I'm… hey! Where're you going sir?"

Shalnark, however, was already far from shore, powering himself forward out of sheer terror. This was the first time in his life something like this had happened to him. In all his years as a spider, a member of the Genei Ryodan, he had never faced anything as terrifying as this. As a Spider, he was capable of everything. He could fight, kill, think (a surprisingly rare talent), even whip up a tasty treat of Chocolate Brownies filled with Sugary Goodness and some Nuts (not including Hisoka 'cause that would be just eew), but he could not handle this.

He always knew guys who wore purple could not be trusted.

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Silent, somber, dark, Feitan and Phinx sped across the lake, running so quickly that they remained relatively dry. Well… relative to Shalnark and Ubogin at any rate.

"Huh! Only _we_ could cross the river this way," Phinx smirked, "Machi may have gotten the boat, but she also got a crazed maniac in the bargain."

"We get to run, and all we get is wet feet!"

"… Feitan, I thought that was part of the bad deal with running."

"Oh… good luck to her anyway," Feitan muttered in his deceptively silky soft voice, "Given Hisoka's character, he will probably just sit around and play cards while Machi does all the hard work."

"All the fun, you mean," Phinx smirked harder.

"Definitely." Now Feitan smirked, only no one could see him smirk as his face was partially covered.

"How should we take it out? Dancho wants it alive."

"Usual way. Blow to the back of the head."

"That would have to be one hard blow."

"The more fun that is. Maybe we can use the new torture device I bought."

"You mean the one with the spikes and the iron ball?"

"Yep."

"Cool! You brought it along?"

"Of course."

"Oh man, that rocks! Let's use it!"

"Sure. Or we could use the other one, the one with the huge flat surface and the… well… I guess you could call it spikes."

"Oh man! That like, so rocks! You sure have a thing about spikes!"

"Got a problem with that?"

"Yeah, a problem called good taste, dude!"

Both Spiders exchanged looks, smirked, giggled then broke out laughing. Evilly, they cackled, laughed, chortled, guffawed, and expressed all signs of excitement and hilarity. Unfortunately for them, in their extreme glee, they had slowed down and came to a stop. Thus the next noise heard was the loud splashing of two spiders falling into the lake amongst many a curse and swearing.

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"Ah…" Kuroro muttered, quietly observing the lake. It was amazing how big things look up close as compare to from a conveniently placed cliff far away.

"How should we cross it, Dancho?" Shizuku asked innocently.

"… Give me a moment to think."

"Yes Dancho."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Any ideas, Shizuku?"

"No, sir."

Kuroro fell deceptively silent again as he cursed himself frantically. He had chosen Shizuku as his partner because he figured with her vacuum cleaner, she would have the best chance of finding the creature in this large piece of land. Now, however, he was half wishing he had brought Shalnark along. That boy had probably figured out the best way to cross the river by now.

Sighing, he turned his head, coincidentally missing the sight of Shalnark thrashing his way across the lake in a desperate attempt to escape a certain teen dressed in purple.

"If the lake were shallower," Shizuku announced, "We could cross the lake by walking through it."

Kuroro rolled his eyes. Right. It would surely take a genius to figure that out.

"If the lake were gone, we could walk across too…"

"Uh huh…"

Suddenly, the whirring of a certain household appliance purred through the air, and he turned around startled. Before he could stop her, Shizuku plunged the head of the vacuum cleaner into the lake and started to suck up all the water in the lake.

Kuroro watched amazed as the water disappeared, and Shizuku dragged him across the lake, her vacuum cleaner gargling curses behind them as it complained about water drunkenness and the crab that was stuck in its nozzle.

A distance away, Shalnark plopped onto the muddy ground with a sigh of relief, and a loudly proclaimed, "Thank you! Oh thank you, upon the word of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit! Thank you! I love you! I love you!"

"All the water back," Shizuku instructed as soon as they crossed the river, and turned to deliver the water back. Her vacuum cleaner gargled and spat as it regurgitated into what had once been the lake, but was now a mere dent in the ground.

"Right. Well done." Kuroro stared helplessly as she dumped the water back into the lake, "Quite well done, I mean… or… well… rather well done…"

"Why? Why?" Shalnark wailed as a whirlpool formed around him (specifically around him) and started to pull him down. "Why? I hate you! I hate you!"

Ubogin fished Shalnark out of the river and rolled his eyes. Really! All brain no brawn! What's the use in _that_?

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Puffing and panting, a creature rose from the deepest recesses of the sea. It groaned and muttered then plopped itself onto the wet, muddy bank. For the longest time, it was still then suddenly, it lifted its head and gave a loud bellow of indignity.

"Oh shut up," Machi snarled, trying to squeeze water out of her hair.

"I was _thrown_ from the boat," Hisoka whined – or would have if he hadn't seen Machi's death glare beaming down at him from the corner of his eye like a Martian warship coming to collect specimens for the newest enrichment course the college Martians were taking. Thus, instead he muttered, "We're here at any rate." Then deciding he wasn't being creepy enough, he lowered his head and gave his best giggle, at the same time adding, "You are so cute when you are angry."

Machi rolled her eyes. Why, oh why did Dancho dump her with this maniac clown? What had she done to deserve this? Why was heaven so against her? She hadn't done anything wrong! She had been a great member of the Genei Ryodan; killing when told, robbing when told… even flipping the coin when told. The world was unfair to her!

Suddenly, Hisoka stood up, his normally slicked back hair falling gracefully and wetly around his face. A look of pure determination settled over his face, and his normally smiling lips settled back into a hard line of fortitude. "I can feel it!" he whispered breathily, "I can feel it! It is strong (giggle), very strong…" Throwing back his head, he chuckled, choked then went into an artificially induced epileptic fit.

"Eew…" Machi muttered, "Whatever. Let's just meet at the rendezvous point. Remember the bearings?" Hisoka, having gotten her attention, miraculously recovered fro the fit.

"Ten steps from the big red dot on the map."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"That is… eh… quite impossible, isn't it?"

"Yes, Hisoka. It is ten steps from the tallest tree visible from the beach. That one there. The one sticking out of the forest. Let's go." Without waiting for him, Machi turned and strode purposefully into the forest.

Hisoka hesitated, thought, "Ten steps in which direction?" Decided it was irrelevant (and probably fatal), and followed mournfully (and wetly) after Machi.


	4. Chapter 4

Hunter X Hunter does not belong to me. I always forget to type that – must be some sort of innate desire to make it belong to me.

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Kuroro tapped his foot impatiently, as Phinx and Feitan, the last group to arrive, trotted their way over to him. Gazing over them, he quickly quenched a rising sense of smugness. He was the _only _one, other then Shizuku, to have made it across the river totally dry. Of course, technically, he didn't cross the river; it wasn't even there when he walked across. That however, was just a minor point, so he chose to ignore it.

"I see we are all here." Alright, so he had done the obligatory duty of stating the obvious. That couldn't be helped; Shalnark looked like he had just fought off ten crazed Kurutas bent on vengeance i.e. he was in no shape to do his usual duties of stating the obvious. "Now that we have all had a taste of nature…"

"And the lake water…" Ubogin mused loudly.

And a miscellaneous shellfish type…" Feitan mumbled, "of which half is still in my mask."

"We can proceed as planed." Kuroro glared harder.

"Ah… about the plan…" Shalnark raised a trembling finger (which protested and tried to cramp up to give his owner a lesson).

"Yes. Don't tell me you have forgotten the plan, Shalnark. Given your intellect, I would have expected something better."

"Oh… that's not it, sir. It's…"

"Then do you have a problem with my plan?

"No sir…"

"If you have a better plan, I would love to hear it."

"No…"

"I am very open to new ideas – even ones that are remarkably stupid."

"No, Dancho. That's not it, sir."

"Then?"

"Uh… Dancho… you haven't told us what the plan is…" Shalnark stared mournfully as his finger finally accomplished the cramp, and sent waves after waves of pain up his arm.

"Oh…" Kuroro stared. "Well… we have four teams, right? So we divide this lake with all the miniature islands along it into four quadrants, and each team searches one."

"Oh… well… ok…" Phinx muttered as they bent over the map of the lake.

"Right… so we divide it like this and like this… like cutting a pie, see? So… that would be north-west, south-west, north-east and south-east… and well… each team goes to one quadrant…"

"As you say, Shalnark. Only… is that tiny one meter rock in the middle of here and here considered southeast or south west… or a little north of southeast?"

"Eh… well, Feitan, I should think it would be…"

"Hey! The north-east quadrant has practically no island. That ain't fair!"

"Uh… well…"

"Shalnark… I don't want to pair up with Hisoka again! Can't I go with you instead? Please? I'll be nice, I promise!"

"Eh… well… Dancho decided the pairings, Machi…"

"And the north-west is practically _all_ forest! Which ain't fair either!"

"Phinx…"

"What are we looking for again?"

"The -Ing, Shizuku…"

"Shalnark! Pay attention to me or I'm going to sew your mouth together!"

"You promised to be nice!"

"The lake at the south-east is labeled 'extremely DEEP', with the capital letters and all. That ain't fair too!"

"Dancho, save me!"

Kuroro sighed, said, "Genei Ryodan." And was pleased with the effect it had on the members (making them give him a weird look). "Go."

Grumbling, muttering and still asking questions, the members split up to continue their search within the deep recesses of the lake. Strangely enough, no one noticed a dark and distinctly reptilian shape gliding through the cool waters of the Jug Lake, nor did anyone notice the distinctly red burning eyes that glowed within. Oddest of all, was the tiny voice that squeaked, _"It's left you –ing! Left!"_

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"Hmm…" Shalnark muttered, cautiously prodding a quivering lump of dirt with his foot, "There most certainly is a wide range of rare and endangered organisms around. Some are so rare they look ordinary."

"You don't say," Ubogin muttered back, eyeing what looked like a piece of rotting vegetation slowly crawling its way into a hole in a bigger pile of rotting vegetation, which incidentally appeared to be lined with razor sharp teeth. "The northwest quadrant has too many trees, I should think."

Shalnark nodded mournfully. "Why do we always lose when it comes to drawing lots anyway? I thought you being the Strengthening Type would have been able to accurately pick the better lot based on your instincts blah, blah, blah. All the stuff Nobunaga says you can do."

"Yeah," Ubogin said slowly, "only the others know that too, see? So when it comes to drawing lots, they all rush forward to draw the lots, see? So… in the end… we get whatever's left, see? And well, when the others draw lots, they don't really draw, but kind of pull them out, look then switch around a lot."

"Yeah… see…" Shalnark stared intently up the length of tall tree, "If we climb up that tree, do you think we could locate the -Ing?" Without waiting for a reply, he started to scramble up the tree with surprising agility (for one that is mostly brain, that is).

"Ok…" Ubogin paused suddenly and tilted his head to the side, much like a dog trying to catch the sound of prey (or a man trying to shoo a fly out of his ear), "Hear that?"

"What?" Shalnark looked down curiously at Ubogin rotating his head to locate the direction of the sound.

"Well…" Ubogin hesitated, "I just heard something like…"

_"Forward! Forward, you –ing! Forward… no! That ain't –ing forward! That's left, you –ing! Forward!" _

"That."

"Huh?"

Ubogin frowned, and his eyebrows met above the bridge of his nose like two cockroaches kissing. His head titled to the left then to the right, paused, and for good measure, titled backwards then forwards then straightened up again. This was a sure sign that Ubogin was thinking.

And now, at this point, dear readers, the author has to, quite unfortunately, interrupt to explain Lunartick's Theory of Mental Motion in order to elaborate on the last statement of the previous paragraph. Some people have the ability to move the muscles in their brains naturally, much like the way some people can roll their tongues or lift an eyebrow etc. These are the people who are in general classified as intelligent (the ones who can move their mental muscles naturally, not the ones who can lift an eyebrow or roll the tongue). However, some people are incapable of using their brains in such a manner, and thus have to rely on the general motion of the whole skull to stimulate the thought processes in the brain. Ubogin would be classified under this category, which is quite often unfairly, and inaccurately, labeled as Dumb.

"I think, Shalnark," he announced finally, his eyebrows separating from each other like two cockroaches breaking up, "I think I know what's going on."

"What?"

"It's the thing that happens to people when they have been in the forest for too long."

"Which would be?"

"It's the thing that makes you hear voices, and… well… not just voices, see, but voices saying nothing that makes sense, see?"

"… Words that don't make sense?"

"Well… sometimes, they do make sense I suppose, but… it depends on the size of your brain I guess… or how well you can move your head..."

"What on earth are you talking about, Ubo?"

"It's like what those soldiers had after being in there for too long, you know? They get… well… Words in their heads sometimes… when you are in the forest for too long, I mean. Or what you get when you hang out for too long with Hisoka… who isn't really a forest… but…"

"Ubo."

"Yeah?"

"Stop using your brain and climb the tree. You _know_ what happens when you try to use your brain. Funny things happen."

"Yeah… I know…" Ubogin heaved himself up onto a branch which creaked in protest and started cursing overgrown men dressed in bearskin, "Things actually start to make sense… which is really scary…"

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Feitan floundered moodily in the water as Phinx waddled ahead. The going was tough in the Northeast, but he wasn't afraid. He was a Spider, a robber, an A-listed criminal. He could slice of a man's head in 0.023 seconds, 0.0002 if the person's head was the same level as his. He could run like lightning, only he didn't have the tendency to strike the tallest object in his way (not unless the tallest object made a height joke anyway). His enemies hated him. His victims feared him. His comrades were wary of him.

And presently, his mask was filled with water.

"It's ok this way," Phinx announced, turning back to glance at his partner, "It's only chest deep here."

"Right. Chest deep." Feitan glared back, threading water frantically.

"Oh…" Phinx pondered on the merits of cracking a height joke for about two seconds then decided he would rather not risk becoming the shorter of the pair and thus discarded the notion. "Don't think the -Ing will be at this area though. It's too shallow. Should be further out at any rate, where the water's deeper, much deeper… probably like a million times our… my size."

"… You know, Phinx? Dancho never did say how big the thing is." Feitan spat water out and watched curiously as a lump of coal paddled its way determinedly towards the half meter of a rock three miles from the main land.

"Of course it's huge!" Phinx protested, "Didn't you hear? People always look for it with detectors to locate a huge creature in the water!"

"… No…"

"You don't watch television?"

"I am a robber. I only rob."

"… Ok… I suppose that is a valid point."

"Of course it is. We are the Genei Ryodan; not some two bit grave robber."

"Ok."

"We are the Spider, with the capital S! We are an A-listed criminal organization!"

"Stop it, Feitan! The lumps of dirt swimming around us are giving us weird looks."

"We even donate to charity organizations! Even though we rob them back of twice the amount…"

"Right… you know what? I don't know you." Phinx waddled determinedly away from Feitan with a fixed smile on his face. "I swear," he commented to a random piece of dirt that was hitching a free ride by clinging on to the back of his sweat shirt, "I swear you can't imagine the nuts you meet out here! Look at the little guy over there, talking to himself! I don't know him, I swear! And look at the ridiculous walnut floating over there, trying to eat the coconut that's trying to swim away. For the love of God, what is their problem?"

The random piece of dirt rolled its eyes then intelligently decided this wasn't a good ride to hitch and detached itself from Phinx. As it paddled away, it reached a solid conclusion about mankind based on the behaviour of the two prime specimens in front of it. In fact, it was such a brilliant and unarguable theory it would have toppled over all the other theories set forth by other lumps of dirt. It wriggled in excitement as it thought about the parades they… the lumps of dirt of the earth would hold for him… all the sexy blobs of dirt, battering fungus covered lashes at him… and the floats! What floats they would create for him! There would be, of course, a huge red mushroom with gigantic white spots (preferably so big they cover the whole mushroom), a hollow rotting log with flirty woodlice dancing inside, and maybe… just maybe, a lump of dirt float. The lump of dirt did a happy little ditty (how he did it without the existence of a tongue, do not ask) as it floated in the river of dreams. River of Dreams! Hah! It should be the River of Fortune! He would be rich! He would be famous! He would be… Unfortunately for the whole of mankind, the theory the lump of dirt came up with ended with him when he smashed headlong into something that was suspiciously… purple and reptilian.


	5. Chapter 5

Hunter X Hunter does not belong to me, and neither does Shakespeare. There are quotes here from Julius Caesar, Measure for Measure and Romeo and Juliet, of all three texts, none belong to me.

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_Flip. _

_Flip. _

_Cackle. _

_Flip._

_Cackle louder. _

_Flip. _

"Oh, for the love of God," Machi howled, spinning around to face her companion, "If you have something to say, say it! Stop flipping the Queen of Hearts in front of my face!"

Hisoka pulled on his best hurt-puppy look, making sure the eyes were at the perfect pitch of soulfulness. The eyes were the most important part of this look. Overdo it and you end up looking tacky – not enough soulfulness on the other hand fails to gain sympathy. "I only do it so you will pay attention to me," he purred, pulling a pout even Biscuit couldn't beat.

"Right," Machi scowled, "pull a puppy face and expect _me_ to pay attention to you? Dream on! You don't have the tiniest inch of my attention! I'm doing an excellent job ignoring you."

_Flip. _

_Cackle. _

"Stop trying to irritate me!"

Hisoka shrugged innocently and smiled as they reached the edge of the cliff. "Ooh… the water is deep," he commented, "Just like on the map. Care for a swim?"

"No, thank you," Machi muttered, "We are not going in there, Hisoka, regardless of what your miniscule brain thinks. We will not go down there. I will not take part in your disgusting feats of stupidity." She turned away and stormed back into the forest, successfully ignoring the million-dollar pout that Hisoka had pasted onto his face.

"What a pity," Hisoka purred, removing the nen that was sticking his pout into place and trailing after her.

_"That's it! We're almost there! We're almost there! We'll make it! Yes!" _

Frowning, he turned back to the lake and gazed down.

_"Just a little bit more, and it'll be done! Done! Almost… almost… SUCCESS! Now, the world shall be ours!" _

Just as Hisoka was about to comment, a deep and oddly bolded voice sounded from the bottom.

**"I have great faith in thy intent, sire, and I do trust it to grow to full prosperity. Who be you, sir, with the oddly un-purple hair?" **

Slowly, Hisoka turned around.

"Machi? There's a purple lizard down there, and it's talking to me."

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"Hmm…" Kuroro bent over scraps of paper littered over the grounds of the Southwest quadrant. Curiously, he shooed a lump of dirt away and picked a scrap up. "Shizuku. What do you make of this?"

"It's a scrap of paper, Dancho."

"… Right…" he pondered over the writings for a while then read, "Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears. I come to bury Caesar, not to…" He frowned and randomly picked up another scrap of paper. "I now being with grief and shame to utter. He would not but by the gift of my chaste body to his concupiscible intemperate lust…"

Silence fell as Kuroro thought some more, him being blessed as the kind who need not move their head to generate mental processes.

"Dancho?"

"Pick up other pieces and read out to me. I'll do the same."

"Hai."

"Do not swear at all; Or if thou wilt, swear by thy gracious self…"

"And now I give my sensual race the rein."

"Ay, you have been a mouse-hunt in your time, but I will watch you from such watching now."

"Unhappy Claudio, wretched Isabel, Injurious world, most damned Angelo!"

A lump of dirt watched the ensuring dialogue curiously and started to back off slightly. What was this, this strange creature that resembled no dirt, sand or rock? It jumped in surprise when the one in the dark clothes threw back his head in shock and exclaimed, "This means something, Shizuku! Something… horrible, for the whole of humanity!" It turned and fled. Sometimes, understanding can be a bad thing – and the lump of dirt did not want reality to come so soon… not just yet, at least.

"What is it, Dancho?" Shizuku asked.

"This scraps of paper! They are… well… they are… Shakespeare!"

"Shakespeare? Is that the new torture device Feitan bought yesterday?"

"Actually, yes… I mean… no… it is a… well…" Kuroro muttered, pacing up and down frantically, "No… wait… no… I don't… arg…!"

"Dancho?"

"What's this? What's this? What's this?"

"Dancho?"

"It's the Words… it has something to do with the Words…"

"Words?"

"With the capital W. Words…"

"Words?"

"Yes. Words." He turned and started to stride frantically in the direction of southeast, "Learn the words, Shizuku. They are powerful, and well… power is good, ain't it? Just don't learn as many as I know… that wouldn't do."

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Machi gaped as Hisoka jumped back from the creature that rose from the depths. She stared and stared… and for good measure, stared again. The thing that was before them was… well… strangely… ambiguous and purple. It was technically shaped like a lizard… but… well… logically, a lizard wouldn't have that part sticking out there… nor that part sticking out there… and it had to be biologically impossible for a lizard to have… well… that part… sinking… hollowing in like that and well…

**"Greetings, weary travelers. Peace be with you. Does a red sun rise from the east?" **

"Uh… is that a trick question?" Even the ever so eloquent Hisoka was struck dumb as the… well… ambiguous being looked at them with what could only be… well… eyes, only… eyes usually don't… well… do what those… eh… orbs were doing.

**"Have no fear, ambitious ones, for what's in a name? Much and much and much, much more, it would seem. Would yours be Romeo?" **

"Machi…" Machi blurted out, "I am… eh… Machi, Mr… well… -Ing."

**"-Ing? Unfortunate and tricked lady! Touched by the Wand of Madness. –Ing, I am not, for if I am, I am nothing at all."**

"What do you mean?" Machi rubbed her temples as the world spun happily and insanely around her.

**"In days long past, in seas long swam, in grass long eaten, I had no name. –Ing they called me for they had no words for me. Long gone are such fine times! No Kings! No Queens! No Brutus! No Cassius! I have the WORDS!"** The creature veered up and something that looked vaguely like a chest (the kind made of oak and rosewood) swelled up in a marvelous display of the biggest ego ever seen by any human being.

"Words…"

**"With Words I have, I longed for a name! What's in a name? A name is a name and much more, for if it were more, it would be none, and if it were none, it would be more! I am the Jug Ness Monster!" **

"Jug Ness Monster…" Machi stared dazedly up at it, "and..."

**"The Fiery Phoenix of the Words had spoken to me."** Now the eyes took on a deliberate sly gleam as it raised a giant piece of flesh that was in all probability a fin, but could have easily been mistaken for an overgrown wart. **"All humans shall perish, and I shall be KING! For I am Ambitious!"**

"What the…" Machi turned and ran desperately as the probably fin, maybe wart, came crashing down. As the world crumbled and fell around her, she was aware of only one thing.

A remarkably strong arm was holding on tightly to her waist.

LLLLLL

"It's the Words!" the hand-phone howled, "The Words! It all has something to do with the Words, and I can't figure it out!"

Shalnark carefully held his precious phone at arm's length as it continued to howl into his ear. "I don't get what you mean, Dancho? What do the words have to do with anything?"

"It's Words with the capital W, you nerd! Say the capital letter!"

"Right. So, what do the Words have to do with the –Ing, Dancho?"

"That's the problem, you dork! I have absolutely no idea!"

"Then… well… what makes you think the w… I mean, Words, have anything to do with anything?"

"That's because you don't find Shakespeare in the middle of a protected Reservation for nothing! If you find it, it means something! Just like in all detective stories. You find a shard of glass, it has to mean something! It is some kind of Universal law or something. If something that doesn't mean anything appears, the Universe would be thrown into turmoil!"

Shalnark scratched his head. "You know… that actually makes sense… in a well… nonsensical sort of way. So… what?"

"Gather the rest! We will meet at the middle of the map to discuss this perplexing problem."

"Ok Dancho." Shalnark switched off his phone and shrugged. Turning around, he caught sight of Ubogin squatting on the ground near the root of a large tree. "Ubo! Stop poking the tree root and let it finish its meal in peace! Dancho wants to meet us on the one meter rock in the middle of the lake!"


	6. Chapter 6

Hey pple! I'm back after my A-levels! I just ended today, so don't sue me for not updating! By the way, I just have to mention that Kuroro is rather OC because if he wasn't, it wouldn't be fun for me anymore. Those who mind it, I'm sorry, even though the truth is I really do like the Kuroro in Hunter X Hunter. It's all meant to be satirical, mocking… blah… whatever. Just read and enjoy!

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The world swirled and danced in shades of blue and green as she tumbled through the air. Closing her eyes, she groaned miserably, feeling her guts rise to the challenge (and to her mouth). She had to be dead, was convinced she was dead. Opening her eyes, she stared into a pale, tattooed face that was inches from her nose. It smirked, giggled, and called her cute. Groaning, she closed her eyes again. Ok, she was definitely dead, and this was hell, and the devil had appeared with Hisoka's face.

"Machi?"

"If you have to come, don't use Hisoka! Why must you torment me like this! I'm dead already!"

"Machi, stop struggling. I'm losing grip."

"You've already lost your grip! Why? Tell me why? What have I done? Is it too late to repent? If it's not, I'm totally, utterly sorry that I once stole Shizuku's make-up and used it to powder Shalnark's face!"

"Machi, open your eyes."

He was being too serious, she decided. She had never heard Hisoka sound so serious in her entire life. Of course, technically, this was the devil, not Hisoka… never Hisoka. Gingerly, she opened her eyes and stared as she took in the most awkward situation she had ever been in, including the time when Nobunaga, all drunk and high on alcohol, had tried to propose to Dancho who had dragged her in by hiding behind her, causing Nobunaga to challenge her to a duel for the 'lady's' hand in marriage.

They were dangling in mid-air – or rather, Hisoka was dangling in mid-air while holding on to her. The only thing that separated them from an inevitable fall to death was the thread of pink nen now stuck to the cliff. It originated, she realized a little guiltily, from two broken fingers that belonged to said devil.

"Oh… well, what do you know," she muttered, "we're not dead yet. Woo-hoo. God, I wish I was dead…. Whatever. Can you pull us up?"

He pulled a puppy face. It almost broke her heart, almost, but not quite (adults who pull puppy faces generally do not make hearts break, but scientists have shown that they may be one of the main factors contributing to the sudden upsurge in the number of lunatics). "That's not the least of our problems," he pouted, "I'm Changing Type, like you, so when my nen gets too far from me, it… weakens."

Machi clutched to his shirt nervously as she stared up. The combined weight of both of them was dragging the nen downwards, stretching it thin like chewing gum, which it technically was. "My nen wouldn't work either," she muttered, "at the length from here to the nearest foothold, it would only be as strong as cotton."

She felt his muscles tensing, bunching as he struggled to maintain hold of both the nen and her. "Now, isn't this day getting even more interesting?" he giggled crazily, the pitch a little higher than usual, "My, my. And I thought we wouldn't have any fun hunting purple lizards. Dancho definitely has good taste when it comes to selecting missions." He licked his lips, but she had the feeling he was doing it more out of nervousness than anything else. (And to think she knew him so well…)

"Well… then… what do we do? Is there anyway to lessen the weight… without any of us going off the edge, that is?"

For a moment, she swore she saw nervousness… _real_ nervousness flicker over his face. "Actually…" he hesitated, "Yes."

"If you dare suggest I drop…"

"Of course not," he smiled at her cheerily, "Then there's no fun being in the Genei Ryodan anymore."

"Then what?" she snarled, deliberately avoiding his eyes.

"Well," he started, "well, first you've got to listen to where they all are."

All Machi could do was stare as he smiled back at her.

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"Right… right…" Feitan mumbled, trying desperately not the swallow anymore lake water, "we are out here doing what, Shalnark? Other than trying to get water drunkenness that is?"

"Oh… well, Dancho said to meet in the middle of the map…" he smiled sweetly as he clung helplessly to the one meter of rock in the middle of nowhere, "and well… here we are."

"And he is meeting us for?" Phinx demanded.

"The Words."

"The words?"

"With the capital W!" Kuroro suddenly materialized behind them, puffing and panting, and spitting water out as he clung onto the rock for dear life, "Dork!"

"Hello, Ubogin," Shizuku mumbled, sidling to a stop between him and Shalnark, "We found the Words."

"Words?" Ubogin floated thoughtfully, as lumps of dirt swam around him, the alternative being too horrible to imagine. "As in Books?"

"Shakespeare, Ubo, Shakespeare," Kuroro replied, "We found Shakespeare in the forests!"

"Hasn't he been dead for some time?" Feitan asked curiously, lifting his head backwards to avoid his mask filling with water.

"Alternative theory is that he went back to Mars," Phinx replied.

"Not Shakespeare as in Shakespeare," Kuroro snapped, "his works! His Words! Shakespeare's Words!"

"How on earth do you find Words in the middle of…"

"Don't ask, Feitan," Shizuku said seriously, "Dancho is getting angry. You can tell by the way the number of wrinkles around his eyes increased."

"Well what about it?" Phinx asked impatiently, "Why did you call us all here for Words?"

"Time for Nen theory 101," Shalnark perked up happily, "It is said that when a person puts all his heart and soul into making something, he actually pours nen into it, regardless of whether he knows nen or not. Sometimes, the older it gets, the stronger the nen gets. That's why sometimes people get lost in old libraries, and why old grannies tell you never to eat old food… and why you should never, ever anger elderly citizens."

"How elderly is elderly?" Shizuku asked (because she felt rather faded due to her minimal dialogue.)

"Elderly enough to have wrinkles, I suppose…"

"Oh! That means Ubogin is elderly! No wonder Nobunaga said never to anger him."

"Was that an insult? Did you just insult me? Did you just call me elderly? Did Nobunaga call me elderly?"

"Wait… in that case, does Dancho count as elderly?"

"I so do not!"

"Anyway," Shalnark piped up, irritating creeping into his voice, "Shakespeare's Words are old, so the chance that they have some sort of nen in them is quite probable. We are now at the Jug's Lake, which has more or less maintained its primitive state. Thus, when something with strong nen is introduced to it, things could happen."

"Especially this!" Kuroro flourished the scraps of paper.

"What? Materialized paper shredders?"

"No!" Kuroro thrust the piece of paper in Phinx's face. "Look! See! Observe!"

"Ohmigawd!" Phinx gasped, "What's it?"

"Oh for heaven's sake…" Shalnark took the scraps, rolling his eyes, "Let me see… hey! These are bite marks, Dancho!"

"Precisely!" Kuroro smiled. "Something ate the Words!"

"This could mean…" The sentence was broken off by a high-pitched shriek from a distance away. "That."

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"Left pocket."

"Lots of Aces. Diamonds, spades… hearts."

"Right pocket."

"One full stack?"

"Yeah. Eh… check my sleeves."

"Right. Whole pile of diamonds in the left and… whole pile of hearts in the right. I noticed you don't carry clubs."

"I do. Down my shirt, and in my wristbands."

"Oh… I guess I should be apologizing for this… I mean, putting my hand down your shirt…"

"Of course you don't need to (giggle). The next place to search is much more awkward – the seat of my pants."

"What the… Die Hisoka!"

"You're choking me… stop… stop… I'll search myself!"

"I've always thought you were a little weird, Hisoka, but now I know I was wrong. You are totally weird… All those were in your pants? Who keeps a pile of jokers in the seat of their pants?"

"Well, the cardboard boxes back at HQ are rather hard to sit on you know?"

"Save me the details. Where else?"

"My stockings and my heels, I suppose."

"Stockings? You know, I always thought those were tights, not stockings. Hisoka, you are the only man I know who wears heels and stockings."

"Well, I've always been in touch with my feminine side. Besides, I prefer to look down on people than be looked down on. It must have something to do with my poor, deprived childhood when…"

"Shut up, jerk… what the hell! How on earth do you stuff all this into your clothes?"

"Law of Anime. A character can pull anything out of anywhere at anytime."

"I must have missed that one out in college."

Machi finally straightened up and shifted into a more comfortable position. "That was hell, Hisoka," she stated, "next time, you take out all your cards yourself. I even saw one that was had a life of its own! It waved its tentacles at me!"

"Ah… those that I've forgotten about and left in my shoes I suppose."

"Gross!" Machi proceeded to wipe her hands on his shirt. "Disgusting jerk!" Done fuming, she looked away from him and stared resolutely at the whole island of cards floating below them. "No wonder your nen can't take our weight," she muttered, "For a moment there, I thought my diet had failed."

"Eh, Machi?"

"What?"

"That may have been the case. We've got a little problem. Do look up."

"What?" Machi turned her head up, and her blood froze (i.e. because of what she saw). The nen had been stretched till it was thinner than thread and it was still stretching. "Oh no!" she moaned, "Not like this! I don't want to go like this! Not with you by my side etc!"

Before Hisoka could comment, the nen broke and they fell down, down, down, into a sort of darkness that was incomprehensible to those who live in the light.


	7. Chapter 7

Hunter X Hunter does not belong to me. Neither does Shakespeare, or any of his works.

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The world swirled before her for a second time that day in miserably cheerful shades of blue, white and green.

"Stop… now I'm seeing happy colours," she moaned, "it makes me sick to the bones! Sick! Sick! If this is hell, at least let it look as disgusting as it should! Where are the fire and the lava? Where's the blackness? Where's the irritating devil?"

In response, she heard a low moan to her side, turned her head, and got an eye-full of Hisoka, sprawled next to her in a rather undignified position.

"God, it really _is_ hell!" Groaning, she rolled over onto her side and struggled to sit up. Once firmly on her_ gluteus maximas_, she observed the current situation they were in slowly. With all the excitement that had gone on, the fact that she (and, unfortunately, Hisoka) had survived the fall because instead of hitting the water, they had landed on the stack of cards beneath them had eluded her. A stack of cards, she now mused, that was slowly disintegrating. Calmly, she threaded the cards together (with a speed only the truly "anime" anime characters can accomplish). Safety secured, she turned over and bitch-slapped Hisoka into consciousness.

Moaning, he opened his eyes, took one look at her, and laughed. "You honestly do look so cute when you're angry," he purred, "and when you have a King of Spades crawling in your hair."

Two seconds later, and many screams, shouts, and murdering of cards later, Machi turned around and calmly observed Hisoka sitting up and pouting mournfully at his broken fingers.

"I could fix those…" she began, "… for… free this time, considering it's my fault your fingers are like this." She lowered her head and tugged a second nen thread out of her middle finger, quietly waiting for one of his irritating comments.

Much to her surprise and discomfort, he was silent, doing nothing more than holding out his hand for her to fix with her nen. As she fixed his hand, she sneaked glances at his face, but saw nothing but blankness. Maybe he was too tired, she mused.

Probably, the Universe was in imbalance.

Probably.

Very likely.

Time to alert the UN.

Maybe after a bath.

"Machi! Hisoka!"

Snapping the nen thread, and trying to appear as calm as possible in the face of a Universal Disaster, she turned towards the direction of the voice. There was only one person in the entire world that could sound like a pretty boy out of a shojo anime, and look good doing it.

"Hi, Shalnark."

"Hi! Hey! What a cute idea, to use Hisoka's cards as a boat."

Blinking slightly, Shalnark back-paddled as Machi threw him a glance fierce enough to kill and Hisoka gave him a bored look which meant he was either tired or ready to murder again. "What?" he whined as the rest of the Genei Ryodan froggy paddled up to him, "What's that for? I was only trying to be appreciative."

Her entire body tensed up then relaxed. Smiling, she uncurled a nen thread and eyed Shalnark enthusiastically. Finally – the first fun thing of the day.

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"That thing ate the Words?" Machi gaped, "As in… Shakespeare's Words? In the middle of the Jug Forest? That has to mean something?"

"Exactly!" Kuroro beamed, "See? She agrees with me, Phinx?"

"We all agreed with you, Dancho?"

"Oh yeah? You were all skeptical!"

"We weren't!"

"Were to!"

"Were not!"

"Were…"

"Oh for heaven's sake," Machi snapped, "Behave like adults!"

Ignoring the pouts, she turned back to the rest of the Genei Ryodan. "How did Shakespeare get into the forest in the first place?"

"Beamed back from Mars?"

"I meant his Words, Feitan."

"Not only that," Hisoka purred, slowly admiring his broken fingers, "why on earth would a generally shell-fish eating purple lizard suddenly take to eating paper?"

"That means…" Kuroro stood up, and faced the lake, allowing his better profile to face the group, "Someone… fed it to him…"

"The thing mentioned something about the Fiery Phoenix of the Words or something like that…"

"Ah…" Kuroro paused for a while, "Would that be a Literal Imagery or a Figurative Imagery?"

Machi stared. "How would I know?"

"Then how would we find out who this Phoenix is?" Phinx asked.

"Well…"

"Go ask that thing."

Everyone stared at Hisoka then inevitably averted their eyes when he smiled back. In a brave attempt to prove their courage, everyone tried to stare at Hisoka again but decided their eyes felt strangely molested and turned back to staring at the ground.

"What do you mean?" Feitan asked finally, observing a lump or dirt nudge his toe suggestively.

"Well… that thing can talk, can't it? And it seems quite happy with the usage of its words."

"Yeah, but it's ambitious."

"We don't have a better idea." Kuroro swept up his lovely, dirt-stained trench coat. "We shall go forth and hunt that thing down. Only then can we discover who the Fiery Phoenix of the Words is."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Something's missing."

"Yeah… but what?"

"Ah!" Shizuku looked up suddenly, her spectacles sliding down her nose. "Shalnark has to say something before we can set off."

"Oh yeah… that."

"I guess he has to, doesn't he?"

"He _has_ to. It's a… a… habit."

"For us too."

"I meant us, actually."

"Oh… but whatever the case, Shalnark has to say something now to make things… whole."

"Good old Shalnark."

"Now, if only he could move his tongue enough to say something…"

"Oh my, I _never_ noticed how his tongue has been _tied_ up like that!"

"Yeah, and with somebody's special _nen_ thread too. Practically unbreakable and all, so he can't _say_ what he has to _say_ so we can carry on with our _important_ duties."

"Alright! Alright! I'll untie him – there you go, pretty boy."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"I think he needs CPR."

"Whatever."

"He does too. If not he can't say anything."

"We need him to say something before we can set off, remember?"

"It's a habit."

Machi glared. "No. I'm not helping him."

"Then…" A soft purr came from somewhere behind her, "why don't I try."

Immediately, with absolutely no resistance whatsoever, Shalnark sat up, his eyes wide like saucers as he stared at Hisoka's puckered lips not a foot from his face.

"Ah. Good work, Hisoka. He's alive," Kuroro remarked dryly, "now, Shalnark, say what you have to say so we can get on with our mission."

Shalnark stared.

And stared.

And stared.

"Mmpf itf pplef… M'f outta here."

With that, the boy genius turned and ran into the forest where the darkness embraced him like a long lost lover.

Phinx stared at Feitan. Kuroro stared at Shizuku. Ubogin stared at Machi, and Machi stared at the ground to avoid staring at Hisoka frozen in place with his puckered lips.

"Let me get this straight," Phinx said slowly, "Did Shalnark just say… _just _say that he is out of here?"

"Does that mean…" Shizuku stared quietly into the bush.

"Yes, my dear comrades," Kuroro replied, straightening his backbone gallantly, "It appears that our dear Shalnark has turned traitor."

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In the mean time, deep within the deepest recesses of the Jug Lake, a dark purple shape glided silently towards a certain destination. Stopping before a huge underground cave, it paddled ambiguously shaped appendages, attempting to stay afloat.

**"I am here, oh great Fiery Phoenix of the Words. Impart thy great wisdom of Words to this unworthy one. Let me be thy hand, and thou the Mouth." **

_"Took you long enough as it is. Stupid –Ing. What took you so long?" _

**"Oh great Phoenix, I met the most unpurplish creatures today, most base and senseless, and touched by the sun indeed." **

_"Whaddya mean unpurplish? Can't ya speak proper English? Dummy!" _

**"Aye, but indeed the oddest creatures my kinesthetically ambiguous eyes have ever laid upon." **

_"Speak sense, stupid –ing! What did you see?" _

**"Most strange, most strange indeed, for this creature was no lump of dirt, but walked on two branches. Two other branches waved about, unhindered by wind, rain or shine, yet my words mean nothing, for I have yet to see such creatures endure the many weathers. Upon the top blazed the most unpurplish leaves, like strands of seaweed, but none to eat, for to eat it for seven days would make one weak." **

_"Man! Man has come!" _

**"Man? Art this those creatures name? Most strange, most strange indeed, to have the use of words, but to label oneself a name with no more than three letters, one syllable, and such a nasal sound it should make. Most bland, most bland indeed." **

_"Shut your trap, dummy, and listen up. Destroy them! Kill them all!" _

**"Destroy them? But wherefore art thou Justice?" **

_"Ah, shut up. Listen, those things are dangerous. They could ruin everything, those Man. Mischief-makers and all. Not a sense in the hollow they call brain." _

**"Touched by the sun? Swayed by the winds? Controlled by the moon?" **

_"What the hell… Yes! Yes! Exactly!" _

**"Ambitious? Yet what be wrong in ambition, for to be Caesar I would be, and no Brutus shall stand my way." **

_"Yes, yes, dummy, but they are more… eh… ambitious. Ah! Describe those Man?" _

**"Upon a face as pale as clouds blazed the Fires of Mount Doom – and to smile, and smile, and still be a villain. Most true indeed, most true indeed. The other had a pleasing purplish outgrowth, but oh alas, it speaks of nothing but monosyllables…" **

_"Cut the crap! Ah… I meant, see, the one on fire is Cassius, and the other eh… one with the fungus growth has to be Brutus…" _

**"Oh, but they hold forth the claim of Machi." **

_"Darn… I meant… Dork! Can't you see they are lying?" _

**"And upon my heart shove the unkindest cut of all?" **

_"Yes, yes. Now go get them! Go!" _

**"Alas, oh alas! En tu Brute? Then falls Caesar… No ! Caesar shall fall not, for Caesar shall rule Rome all the way to Italy! Away, for Justice! I shall not plead with it with a tongue as tame as one would plead for a pin! Away, for Justice! Out Damn Spot! Out!" **

The Fiery Phoenix of the Words watched the great purple bulk waddle determinedly out into the Jug Lake again, and shook its great fiery head.

_"And to think he could have had potential…" _

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	8. Chapter 8

Hunter X Hunter does not belong to me. Neither does Shakespeare, or any of his works. For those who cannot read fluent Shakespeare, I totally apologise. As for taking so long to update, honestly, my brain is fried after my As, and nothing is coming out. I.e. I've got the writer's block. Anyway, be prepared to wait to read my next chapter. Sorry about that and all.

**Most importantly, however, how come no one reviews this story? **

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_Trudge. _

_Stop. _

_Scowl. _

_Trudge. _

_Stop. _

_Scowl. _

_Trudge. _

_Stop. _

"I so do not believe this," Machi grumbled, hacking vindictively at the vegetative growth around her, "We re-shuffled our teams and everything, so why do I still end up with you?"

From behind, Hisoka gave her a huge smirk as he happily shuffled his cards. "Destiny is such a difficult foe to escape from. The red thread that links our love will slowly, slowly draw us together in a sweet embrace…"

"Shut up!" Machi suppressed a shudder at the thought of being anywhere within a ten meter radius of Hisoka.

He giggled, flipped a card, and presented the Queen of Hearts to her. "My token of love for you, my beautiful, _delicious_ goddess of…"

"Shut up!" Machi spun around and glowered at him. "Go chase someone else!"

"But I like you."

"No."

"And you like me."

"NO!"

"But you fixed my fingers for free."

"I did not do that because…"

"It is a declaration of love!"

"It's not!" Machi stepped up to him, her hair bristling. "It's not! It's not! It's not!"

"It is."

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too."

"Is… arg! This is childish!"

"My fingers hurt, Machi darling…"

"I am _so not _your darling."

"Oh yes you are."

"No, I'm…"

**"Alas, Brutus! Woe be me, Cassius! Zeus's thunderbolts shall strike thee down!" **

Machi froze. Hisoka froze (then giggled because it would be really OC for Hisoka to freeze).

**"Retribution! Oh, retribution! It is fair to have the strength of a giant, but to use it as such shall be tyranny!" **

"And here comes the purple lizard," Hisoka murmured, smiling happily as he flipped out a card. Said purple lizard rose out majestically from behind them, two large orbs of unequal size wobbling erratically with emotion, tearing as it went.

**"Be swift for battle, Cassius! Be ready for war, Brutus! For, the Jug Ness is here, and it shall prove a shrewd Caesar to thee! I shall see thee in Philippi." **

Machi tugged out a nen thread. "Ok, Joker. I will take him from the left, and you take him from the right." She paused as Hisoka turned away from her and moved towards the lizard. "What are you doing, Hisoka?"

With a one-sided smile, Hisoka advanced forward and faced the Jug Ness Monster in all its ambiguous glory, and gave the most elegant bow the Jug Forest had ever see.

With all the miscellaneous lumps of dirt staring at him, Hisoka lifted his head and said the words that would turn the tide of history.

"Beware the ides of March."

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Machi froze.

The Jug Ness Monster froze.

Hisoka smiled.

The lumps of dirt ran away, making very lumpy squeaks of fear.

**"I be mistaken!" **it roared suddenly, **"Oh woe be my pierced bosom, my cut thigh, my cleaved heart! To think thee for Cassius, when thou be the Soothsayer." **

"Wh…" Machi stared at Hisoka as he flapped a dismissive hand at her.

"Indeed be gamesome, my lord, for it be great to see thee on all thy four oddly-shaped appendages again. Should no Brutus nor Cassius touch thy sacred hide then all be better, and better be good."

Machi goggled as Hisoka gave a wonderfully theatrical bow.

"And alas, my great lord, for one Caesar would call Brutus, shall be Artemidorus, thy lover, upon whom cried, 'beware of Brutus; take heed of Cassius', and whose humble warnings, the filth of the earth scorned." Hisoka smiled (and the earth quavered), as he flapped a hand in the direction of Machi, "greet thy lord, gentle Artemidorous."

"H… hi?"

**"Oh woe be my heart! Upon thee I cried traitor, upon thee I cried war. Oh, ambition had slain my sight, and I see naught but marrowless bones and cold blood! My eyes, which I glare with, hast no speculation." **An oddly shaped appendage was raised to what had to be the head of the lizard, as it lay its head down on the ground and sobbed miserably tears of slime. The two large orbs continued to wobble worryingly, and for two seconds Machi feared they would drop out of the sockets. Her worry only lasted two seconds, because it is physically impossible to worry about anything else when Hisoka is looking at you and leering happily.

"What are you doing?" Machi hissed angrily, as she grabbed Hisoka's arm roughly. "Did you just call me his lover?"

"Friend," Hisoka replied, looking mildly amused, "only a friend. Lover means Friend."

"Wh… What the heck was all that crap?"

Again he smiled, and again the world quivered. "Why, my dear, dear Artemidorous," he purred, "all this crap is Shakespeare."

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**"Alas, I know not how it can be, but the Fiery Phoenix of the Words be greatly mistaken,"** the lizard boomed, **"Oh greatest apologies, oh most tenderest caresses and kisses, for this horrible treachery! I offer thee my thigh to cut." **

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Thanks," Ubogin replied, just as Phinx muttered, "No thank you, we can't tell which part of you is your thigh."

"So, eh… anyway…" Kuroro cleared his throat, "Fare thee well, oh great Jug Ness Monster, for whence forth thou shalt set upon a road of great ambition." He smiled happily, he being the one other than Hisoka to be able to speak fluent Shakespeare.

**"Aye, aye, spoketh thee well, Mark Anthony, for I shall wear the crown in Rome all the way to Italy." **

"Alas, alas," Kuroro muttered, "and shall not the Fiery Phoenix of the Words accompany thee in thy great journey?"

**"Aye, aye. Yet his orders be odd, for he sent forth cries to kill all Man." **

"Touched by the sun?" Hisoka purred, "Moved by the moon? Swayed by the stars?"

**"Aye, so it would seem. Oh, to see Brutus in the Soothsayer? His actions show much like to madness; pray heaven his wisdom be not tainted." **The monster clasped what appeared to be two warts into a posture of prayer.

"If you say so," Feitan muttered, tapping his foot impatiently.

"Oh great Jug Ness Monster," Hisoka murmured, "where be thy great Fiery Phoenix of the Words?"

"Upon what face doth he wear?" Kuroro added, "Should he be lean and hungry?"

**"Oh, the Fiery Phoenix of the Words! Great be thy wisdom, power, and beauty! To sit upon thy throne in thy underground cavern! To squawk such music as to make the uncouth cry! To flourish thy wings like the angels of heaven! To…" **

"And where is he?" Phinx muttered through gritted teeth, "Show us where he is."

**"Alas, for I have no powers nor thunderbolts that shall reveal upon demand the dwellings of such great powers! To create visions to show the dwellings I cannot." **

"…"

"…"

"Dancho?"

"Lend me thy ear, great Jug Ness Monster," Kuroro cried, "Lead us to thy great master! Let us feast upon this marvel."

"And upon his hide," Machi growled softly, generally a difficult thing to do, but pulled off admirably by our dear female warrior.

**"Indeed, for thyself and thy belongings are not thine own so proper as to waste thyself upon thy virtues, they on thee. Heaven doth with us as we with torches do, not light them for themselves: for if our virtues did not go forth of us, 'twere all alike as if we had them not. Agree thee not, to such brilliant words?" **

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Just take us there, Jug Ness Monster."

**"As thee commands."  
**

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_"Traitor! That bloody, blasted, stupid traitor! He's leading Man to my hideout, and Woman as well. That stupid, stupid –ing! Damn that stupid, stupid –ing!" _

The Fiery Phoenix of the Words flapped down the cavern, deeper and deeper into the darkness, muttering curses about stupid purple lizards. _"I'll get it one day, I'm sure I will,"_ he grumbled as he hopped awkwardly around a bend, _"I'll kill that filthy traitor! But first…" _he would have grinned, with his beak could be shaped into a smile, _"I'm going to find something to eat." _

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	9. Chapter 9

I do not owe HXH or Shakespeare. Let it be known.

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"**Oh Fiery Phoenix of the Words!"** The Jug Ness Monster again lay his head on the ground as he sobbed large buckets of tears. **"Thou art gone, flown from thy sweet cave to an unknown fate! Oh fie, fie! Why doth thou leaveth me so?" **

Kuroro looked around the cave. "It seems that whoever that was had been alerted of our presence, and had ran away," he announced, "Search for clues, my dear spiders, search for clues."

"…"

"…"

"I've found a red feather."

**"Alas!" **

Ubogin skipped away hurriedly as a big towering mass of purple thundered towards him, reaching out a wart to grab the feather. **"An omen! Oh, an omen! What ill lies ahead for us? Fie, to think of ills when my brethren suffers so! Away, I command thee, away ill thoughts! This feather of fire shall lead us forth!" **

"Feather of fire?"

"It's got a little bit of green in it."

"And yellow too."

"Yeah… and it's kind of limp, so it doesn't really strike fire in my mind."

"Yeah… say, do you think that this Fiery Phoenix of the Words is really a bird?"

"Of course it's a bird. A phoenix is a bird."

"Yeah, but phoenixes don't exist in real life."

"Oh come on! Don't you read Harry Potter?"

"…"

"…"

"Phinx, Harry Potter isn't real life."

"How would you know? All you read are those torture books, Feitan. Bet you couldn't tell an ostrich from an elephant."

"Stow it, Phinx, Dancho's glaring at us."

"… Oh… me? No, I wasn't glaring. I was thinking."

"Thinking?"

"Yeah… well now that Shalnark is gone, I couldn't possibly expect to be allowed to continue being OC."

"Oh yeah… someone has to fill in the role of the brainy nerd."

"I resent the implications, Phinx."

"As you say, Dancho."

"So, have you thought of anything?" Shizuku asked, flopping adorably onto a rock and dipping a toe into the water, "Or rather… what are you thinking about, Dancho?"

"Oh… I was trying to remember something, actually," Kuroro confessed, staring in admiration at his boots, "but my shoes keep distracting me. They are so pretty… and for some reason, so incredibly clean despite the fact that we have been sloughing through dirt and mud, and animals pretending to be dirt the whole of today."

"Perhaps you should take them off. The water's really nice."

"Oh. What a good idea."

Five minutes, and much shoving, pushing, cursing, fighting and flipping of coins later, the remaining members of the Genei Ryodan had their shoes off and were sitting at the edge of the water, their legs swinging happily in the cool water as the Jug Ness Monster continued weeping into the pool over the impossibly still dry feather.

"Anyway, what were you remembering, Dancho?" Shizuku continued, as Ubogin eyed the salmon in the pool hungrily.

"Oh… well…" Kuroro eyed the feather, "Never mind that. Does anyone have any ideas what to do next?"

"Get away from here." Machi watched Hisoka curiously. He was conversing in extremely quiet tones with the now silent monster, holding his hands in front of him about a foot apart. The monster nodded his head and the maniac leered happily.

"We can't do that, Machi."

"Why not?"

"Well… we haven't completed our mission."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Dancho, our mission is the catch the Jug Ness Monster and sell it."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Oh yeah… right, but this is different now."

"What do you mean by that?" Despite her irritation, Machi could not stop staring at the two creatures conversing with each other. Hisoka was now flapping one hand around as he pointed with the other. The Jug Ness Monster nodded. Hisoka leered again. Machi half expected the Jug Ness Monster to turn over and fall dead.

"Well, for one thing," Kuroro went on in an insistent tone, "We have so got to find out who's spreading the Words to Wordless beings and stop him or her. If this gets out of hand, Man could be overthrown as the leader of all creatures."

"Since when did you care about what happens to this world?"

"Hey, I donate to charities, right?"

"Anyway, Man has already been overthrown by Woman, so what do you care?"

"Feminist," Feitan muttered as Kuroro shot Machi a glance strong enough to kill. Machi dodged slightly and the lizard behind her dropped dead.

"Anyway, this Phoenix thing could be worth some money," Kuroro ended.

Machi sighed then shuddered as Hisoka leered again at another one of the monster's nods. "Ok, Dancho, but let's do it swift and quick."

"As you say," Kuroro conceded, "but like _I_ said, what do we do next?"

"Oh Kuroro Dancho?" Kuroro froze as soft footsteps padded towards him. His intestines tied up in knots i.e. more knots than is normal.

"Yes, Hisoka?" Butterfly knot. Diamond knot. Dead man's knot.

"May I make a suggestion, Kuroro?" Hisoka purred, sliding down on the floor next to him. Kuroro shuddered, and pounded his heart rapidly to stop it from freezing in fright.

"Ok. What is it?"

"I suggest," he went on, smirking to himself in amusement, "with all my heart and soul, and all my love and devotion to the Genei Ryodan…"

"Get on with it," Kuroro muttered, gritting his teeth to stop them from chattering… or rather, screaming away.

"I suggest," Hisoka repeated, "that we search all the fruit trees on the island."

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Ubogin stared hard at the red object in front of him. He poked it. He flicked his finger at it. He reached a conclusion. "I don't think this is a bird, Dancho!" he called.

"Oh… what a shame…" Kuroro shook his head sadly, "U can get off the papaya tree now, Ubogin."

"Yes, Dancho." With a single mighty leap, Ubogin jumped off the tree and landed neatly on the ground, which muttered, "Get off me, you big lump of brawn," to which Ubogin replied, "Sorry, Phinx."

"Why are we doing this anyway?" Phinx complained, "Why are we searching the fruit trees anyway?"

"Well," Kuroro eyed Hisoka who was happily sniffing what looked suspiciously like a sunflower, "For one, that was the only suggestion raised. For another, the Jug Ness Monster was flooding the pool with its tears, so we can't sit there and soak our tired feet anymore. For the last, well… anything to get away from Hisoka."

"Speaking of which…" Feitan glared at the lake, "Hey, Jug Ness, I don't think that is a fruit tree you're sniffing!"

**"Alas… most grave a mistake indeed I would make…"** Reluctantly, the Jug Ness Monster dropped one of the miscellaneous hunters out to kill the Jug Ness Monster, who swam away as fast as he could with the valuable information that the –Ing seemed to like the smell of polyesters.

"This isn't going to work," Phinx went on, "there has to be a million and one fruit trees along the Jug Lake? The chances of finding the Phoenix on one of this trees, assuming it's on one of this trees has to be a million in one!"

"I know." The soft purr from behind him turned his blood to ice, tied his intestines up in knots, and stopped his heart cold.

"But you see, my dearest, most beloved Phinx," Hisoka went on, standing uncomfortably close to Phinx, "Many a great nen master has proven that the chances of an event with a one in a million probability of occurring, really occurring is in actual fact nine out of ten."

"Yeah?" Phinx spun around, his blood melting, his intestines unknotting, and his heart pumping again. "Prove it, fag."

A hurt look flickered over Hisoka's face before a long of murderous amusement chased it away. "Well, as a matter of fact, my dear Phinx, I've already did."

Phinx stared as Machi's voice suddenly called from a distance away, "Hey, get them over already, Hisoka! For its size, this phoenix sure is strong!"

They rushed over.

Kuroro stared.

Ubogin stared.

Phinx stared.

Feitan stared.

Shizuku stared.

Machi struggled with the nen threads.

Hisoka smiled.

The earth trembled.

_"Stop staring at me!"_

**"My lord!"** The Jug Ness Monster attempted to wrap a wart around it, but it flapped it away (literally).

"I don't believe it," Kuroro muttered.

"The Fiery Phoenix of the Words…"

"Is a…"

"Oh yes."

"You knew it, Hisoka?"

"Oh yes, Phinx, the moment I saw the feather."

"You mean, you knew all along…"

"That the Fiery Phoenix of the Words…"

"Is a parrot?"


	10. Chapter 10

Hi pple! I'm back from my holiday, so here's the next chapter of HXH. I do not own HXH anyway… or Shakespeare… or the Words, so don't sue me anyone! Remember to RandR!

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"_Phoenix! I'm a Phoenix! I demand you get the species correct." _

Ubo took to rolling on the ground as he screamed with laughter. Machi merely shook the parrot harder.

_"Quit laughing, you big oaf! And stop shaking me like that!" _

"Stow it. Why the hell you feed that lizard the Words for?" Phinx reached out to take its neck but it flapped him away.

_"Hey, watch it, pal! I've got a sensitive neck, you know." _

"Oh Dancho?" Machi smirked happily, "How much do you think we can get for this parrot?"

"How much? Enough to buy my next dinner, I suppose, if I decide to go for something that tastes like a cross between dirt and dirt wannabes."

"That worth it?"

"Not really."

"Then why don't you make it your next dinner? I know some pretty good dishes that involve unspecified red coloured birds"

_"Stuff the objectifying, lady. I've got a name, you know." _

"Right!" Machi turned on it, glowering angrily, "It's all your fault, Mr Parrot, that I had to go through my entire day of mugging and slugging through all this mud, dirt, and dirt wannabes with a psycho Shakespeare-speaking clown next to me! You want to "lady" me, Mr Parrot, you can "lady" me after I tear you from limb to limb!"

_"Hey… hey… let's not get rough, okay, lady… I mean, Miss eh… eh… Woman? I mean, hey! I'm a parrot, Miss Woman, you don't wanna get sued for eh… eh… Bird Abuse, eh?" _ Uncomfortably, the parrot tried to scratch its beak, but failed due to the nen thread wrapped tightly around his wings.

"Then you've better start answering some questions, Mr Parrot," Feitan glowered from below eye-level, "Like, why did you give the lizard the words."

_"Eh…" _

"What?"

_"My name isn't Parrot." _

"Then what is it?"

_"Eh… it's… well… don't laugh, okay?" _

"Spill it or I'll make Machi glare at you again."

_"Ok! Ok! It's Macbeth." _

"Macbeth?"

"Oh my gosh!" Kuroro exclaimed suddenly in a manner that was surprisingly manly despite the diction used, "I know where you got the Words from! I know! I know!"

_"Eh… heh heh… you don't say? Eh… he nuts?" _

"Dancho?"

"It's that kid from the boat! The boat that got beached by the man who first saw the Jug Ness Monster!"

_"Eh… yeah, that's my master." _

"And what's your master's name, Macbeth?" A bout of snickering could be heard from behind where Phinx and Ubogin were desperately trying to breathe.

_"Officially Tom, unofficially Hamlet." _

Kuroro smiled suddenly. It wasn't anywhere near how Hisoka usually smiled, but it was enough to give Macbeth a case of cold talons. "And it hereby all makes sense."

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Ubogin twiddled his fingers.

Phinx rubbed his neck.

Shizuku stared blankly into the water.

Feitan drew himself up and looked down his nose at the parrot.

Machi drew herself up and looked down her nose at the parrot – and fantasized about cooking time.

Hisoka smiled.

The world trembled, decided it was sick of trembling, and took to shuddering instead.

"Your master gave you the Words," Kuroro was saying, "the moment he, and his father discovered the –ing, as it was then known, he saw the potential within it, if it had power."

_  
"Eh… can't say anything. He'd pluck me alive." _

"Hot or cold?" Kuroro questioned, in the logically confusing, but psychologically logical way of making a person – or parrot confess without actually saying so.

_"Boiling." _

"He saw the potential, so he gave it the Words, because Words are the most powerful things you can find out here in this desolated primordial pit hole."

_"Eh… it would almost be a volcanic eruption, only this place ain't that primordial. We have pinball machines here, you know?" _

"But, why would some village boy who fantasizes about himself being Hamlet want to awaken the potential within the Jug Ness?"

_"Can't say anything." _

"To… get a girl?"

_"Pretty much Arctic ice. His favourite bedmate is The Merchant of Venice." _

"To get back at someone?"

_"Eh… think… equator… with all the delicious tropical fruit..." _

"To get back at one person only?"

_"Moving north with the birds… which sounds like a really good idea now." _

"To get back at more than one person."

_"Think a nice cup of hot coffee on a cold and chilly day." _

"Is that hot or cold?"

_"Hot, dork! It's hot!" _

"I see. Then how about…"

"To kill this village." There was a click, much like the sound of a trigger being pulled back.

The Genei Ryodan turned around. The parrot turned as best as it could.

_"Hey, Master." _

"You most pernicious ones!" the boy murmured, stepping regally out from behind a tree, a gun in his hand, "Oh, to halt the inevitable! Now, thou shalt die, and destiny shall be fulfilled!"

He raised his gun, pointed at the Genei Ryodan, and for good measure, gave the evil villain's laugh. "Fare thee well. I shall miss the entertainment once given by butterflies fluttering aimlessly amongst the venus fly trap."

With another evil villian's laugh, he pulled the trigger.

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Two shots rang out, echoing throughout the forest. Feitan grunted as Ubogin gasped.

"Kid's a really poor shot."

"Not really, Feitan. You were just to fast for him… and as for Ubo…"

"He did hit me… or at least my nen barrier."

"Yeah. It's amazing he got off two shots."

"Amazing he even got to shoot. Look at the way Machi's glaring at him."

"She is super pissed. I'm surprised she didn't jump him before he shot. Now she's got nen thread all over the place."

"Yeah. Hey, Dancho. If you put a bit more pressure there, you might…"

"If you are so anxious to help, Phinx, then come up here and do it with your own hands."

Now, my dear readers, to fully sympathize with the situation Kuroro had found himself in, I, the poor, demented author, shall have to launch into a full scale authorial intrusion.

The moment the boy had fired the shots, Machi had unleashed her all powerful nen threads, wrapping him up in a rather comical nen cocoon next to his pet, who was wrapped in a similar manner. She had then proceeded to advance upon both master and pet in the full intention of pummeling the hell (and possibly their brains) out of them. Kuroro, presently being the smart one in the absence of Shalnark had decided that it was inappropriate to allow Machi to proceed as planned, and was thus physically trying to restrain her by holding on to her arms. Unfortunately for the poor Dancho, previous trials had proven to him that his arm strength is by no means superior to Machi's, and he hereby found himself in a rather undesirable situation of trying to restrain a sore, tired, dirty woman in need of a nice bath and a good massage. (I know, I can hear all the men groaning in sympathy). The rest of the Genei Ryodan, had took to standing around to watch the unforeseen entertainment and laugh at it, as befitting of men and women who barely had the chance to crack a smile more than once a century.

"Let me at him! Let me at him!" Machi was howling, in full hormonal-pissed-off-woman mode.

"Now, now, Machi. As is befitting of a murder/robber organization that donates to charity, we have to let him say his last words before murdering, and possibly, robbing him."

"I don't care! Tramping through the woods, the dirt, and the would-be dirt has thrown me into a hormonal imbalance! I hereby demand the right of a woman in pre-menstrual-symptom mode to fully abuse the person in front of me right now!"

"In a minute, in a minute." Kuroro was by now panting in a highly aristocratic manner.

"No! No! I'll slaughter him!"

"Machi, get a grip or I'll sentence you to two days alone with Hisoka in a dark four-by-four cell" The struggling stopped immediately as Machi's face turned an interesting shade from white, to green, to blue and back to white again.

"My, Dancho, if you've said so earlier… of course I would _love_ to give you a minute with the parrot… ha ha…" Machi giggled hysterically, maintaining her grip on the nen thread as she inched away from Kuroro and Hisoka.

"What a pity," Hisoka purred, running a hand through his hair, it being the only hair among the Genei Ryodan that didn't have lumps of dirt crawling in it for obvious reasons.

Kuroro cleared his throat and adjusted his coat primly. "Alright, young man, I demand you explain your recent atrocious behaviour before we allow Machi to slaughter you."

Young Tom glared up at him with hatred dancing in his eyes. "Look around you, my good man, look around you! Look at all this dirt!" He glanced down to emphasize his point, and the hatred had to cling to his cornea to avoid falling out of his eyes.

The Genei Ryodan stared at the ground as directed.

"Eew."

"Gross."

"Get off my foot."

"Mark it! Mark this… this… waste!" the boy cried, "Fie, fie! Was Man born to trudge through such dirt? Doth God create a marvel to waddle in this mud like swine?"

"Well… according to the bible, when Adam was created, it was pretty much mostly tree and mud."

"Yeah… and leaves of course."

"Oh yes… leaves, definitely."

"Mark it!" the boy cried again, this time, a bit more desperately. "Mark the village! How ill it is, with rot and decay! Apart from Hamlet, there liveth no Shakespeare in this village! No… no intelligence, no life! Should it not be destroyed?

"I've say. It's got a purple lizard-balloon floating above it. That has to be unhygienic in someway."

"Yeah. It's so purple it could probably be identified from space."

"To cleanse it," the boy continued, feeling a bit more assured, "To cleanse it, I released the evil within the –Ing! I gave it the Words!" Appropriately, lightning flashed and thunder roared.

"I see." Kuroro rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Well, since you don't appear to have more to say… Machi, he's all yours."

"The parrot too?"

"Hmm? Oh, of course."

"And… I wouldn't get sentenced to being alone with Hisoka in a four-by-four cell?"

"Of course not. I can't be bothered to locate a cell that's exactly four-by-four just because you killed Hamlet and Macbeth anyway."

"Brilliant!" Machi leapt up with the blood-lust as is appropriate of a Kumo. "I shall have your death!" Before she could advance any further however, the world started to tremble.

"Stop smiling, Hisoka!"

"It's not me, I'm not smiling at all… well… I wasn't smiling just now, at least."

"What… then…"

A purple wart that passed off for a fin (and vice versa) covered the sky, throwing a deep, dark, purplish shadow over the Genei Ryodan and their preys. Another tremble sounded as a second wart rose from the lake and thundered onto the ground. The Genei Ryodan stared up at the Jug Ness Monster much like people who stare at volcanoes, that while once dormant, had finally erupted with a force greater than anything Man can throw at it.

**"Fools! Infidels!" **the monster roared, **"Oh, to scorn the Jug Ness Monster! To take it for a tool! To take it for evil! Hamlet! Fiery Phoenix of the Words, who is no Phoenix, but a Parrot named Macbeth! I shall have your blood!" **

"Hey, hey, chill it!" Phinx called as a tsunami rose from the lake and roared down on them. "Chill it, dude! You were only used! We get used all the time by Dancho to fulfill his plans for robbing every auction in town!" Eventually, a series of curse words unsuitable for the ears of people below eighteen years old was lost when the tsunami crashed over.

**"Man! Woman! Liars!" **The monster rose to its full height in a magnificently ambiguous display of purple and warts. **"Destruction thou called me for, and destruction I shall bring! Upon the village? Nay! Upon thy heads destruction shall fall!" **With another huge roar, the lizard leapt up into the air and then pummeled back to earth with the full intention of fulfilling his threat.

"Run!" Kuroro shouted, himself turning to do so as the world turned purple.


	11. Chapter 11

Hey people, this is a comparatively shorter chapter, and I apologize for that, but I've been sick recently, and right now, my medication is making me feel sleepy. Eh… and also, I've got a writer's block. When your head is spinning and your nose is dripping, humour doesn't flow easily. When I get better, I promise to try and write a better chapter than this, because personally, this chapter isn't all that funny to me. Anyway, I hope you continue reading, and please do enjoy it all the same.

Hunter X Hunter and Shakespeare do not belong to me – ever.

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Machi moaned, and bubbles bubbled from her lips. She opened her eyes and saw a shellfish that looked oddly like a lump of dirt floundering in the water below her. She moaned again and more air bubbles burst from her mouth.

By the observation of those two events, Machi had reached the startling conclusion that she was floating face down in a large body of water, the closest candidate being the Jug Lake. In a situation like this, one might have expected her to scream and leap out of the water immediately to replenish her starved lungs. However, Machi has proven that she is by no means a normal woman, and thus, her first reaction was to think, "Gosh… the water is cool… and surprisingly clean compared to the jungle. It feels so damn good."

Her second reaction was to think, "Geez, I'm unconscious for the third time in twenty-four hours."

Her third reaction was to think, "Ah, at least I wouldn't wake up with Hisoka's hideous face leering inches away from mine."

Her fourth reaction was to confirm that assumption by lifting her head out of the water.

Her fifth reaction was to scream and jump out of the water when said clown purred, "My, my, you do look so adorable when you just wake up," inches away from her face.

"What the f…"

"Uh uh," Hisoka giggled, wagging a finger in front of her, "No words unsuitable for virgin ears."

"Virgin ears indeed."

Machi and Hisoka stared as Kuroro rose from the depths of the river, a lump of dirt crawling regally across his forehead. "I have reached a conclusion," Kuroro announced, "that the Jug Ness Monster has landed with sufficient force to wash us out into the lake."

"…"

"…"

"Yeah… we so didn't figure that out, Dancho."

"Are we all present?" Kuroro arched his eyebrow primly as the other members of the Genei Ryodan rose from the water with random pieces of dirt, seaweed, and for some reason, teabags on random parts of their bodies.

"I think so, Dancho," Shizuku said slowly, hanging on to Ubogin to avoid having to tread water.

"Oh good."

There was a long silence, as the Genei Ryodan members thought hard on what they could next say. The dear readers may not know it, but it is surprisingly difficult to come up with a conversational topic after being washed out into a lake by a purple lizard falling from the sky.

"So… uh…" Phinx began first in a brave attempt to start a conversation, "The lizard fell on us."

"Yeah…" Ubogin replied encouragingly, "Only it missed us."

"Ah."

"Ah."

"Eh…"

"Let's just go with the usual discussion of what to do now."

"Ah… good idea."

"So," Kuroro went on, as the group relaxed slightly among the lumps of dirt, "We have discovered a great foe in this self-appointed Jug Ness Monster. It was strong enough to wash seven Kumos out to… lake. That has to mean something."

"Just how much of those Words did that crazy Hamlet feed that thing?" Feitan growled.

"Half of Julius Caesar, two-thirds of Macbeth, a quarter of Measure for Measure and a little bit of Romeo and Juliet."

Everyone turned to stare. "You still hanging around?"

"My hands and feet… and every other part of my anatomy is bound with thread as unbreakable as steel, which is inconveniently linked to the lady's finger."

"…"

"_Unbreakable_ as steel."

"…"

"It's impossible to swim back to my village when I'm swaddled like an infant. Not to mention that the thread is still stuck to the lady's finger."

"Oh… that explains a lot. Thanks for dropping the Shakespeare and the false British accent by the way."

Hamlet sighed miserably. "I didn't expect it to get out of hand," he whined. 

"You didn't expect the feeding of Words to a giant purple lizard with the goal of destroying your village to get out of hand?"

"Ok, so maybe I could have been smarter, but genetics is such a hard foe to beat."

"So Hamlet says," Hisoka murmured, observing with amusement that he had only four fingers left that were not broken.

_"Eh… I'm still here, dudes!" _

"…"

"…"

_"I just thought you've like to know…" _

"…"

"…"

_"Oh… never mind…" _

Hamlet and Macbeth both shrunk back as Machi turned and advanced towards them again, her eyes shooting daggers.

"Stop her!" Hamlet yelled as he dodged one of the blades.

Kuroro sighed miserably in the rather noble manner of a martyr. "Machi? Remember the cell?"

Machi froze. "Eh… I was just merely going to… eh… eh…"

"Eh what?"

"Girl problem."

"If you say so."

"Lend me your ears, friends," Hamlet begged, deciding that this was the time to bring out his Shakespeare again, "Mark my words! Spare our lives please, and we shall help thee bring down the Monster."

_"Yeah! We'll help, so please don't turn me into Parrot Cake!" _

Phinx snorted with laughter as Feitan smirked. "What can you do that we can't? We're the Kumo."

"Oh, come on, my dear fellows…"

"We are _not_ your dear fellows…"

"And I find the word 'fellows' highly sexist, you bastard!" Machi fumed.

"Ah… indeed, indeed! Thou art a most lovely lady! A most exquisite creature! A most…"

"If you do continue," Hisoka purred suddenly, "I may be forced to remove your tongue in a highly unpleasant way, an action brought about by my primitive male tendency of possessiveness."

"Oh…"

"The first thing we need to do," Kuroro murmured, fingering his ruined fur, "is to locate the Jug Ness Monster again. This time, I fear, it will not be so easy. He knows we are hunting him now."

There was a long silence again as they all pondered the thought carefully. "Dancho has a plan, right?" Phinx asked finally, "Dancho definitely has a plan, I swear he does… I mean, he's the nerdy one now, now that Shalnark is gone and all…"

"Unfortunately, I do not have a plan."

"But that's against all the rules of Characterization! As the brainy one, you are supposed to be able to come up with a plan, especially in moments of crisis such as this!"

"Alas!" Hamlet cried, "The world is in disorder! For with the creation of the Jug Ness Monster, the order of the world has been displaced and it shall be doomed!" With a sharp cry of grief, he plunged his head into the water and started to blow unhappy bubbles of misery.

_"Master! Master!" _

"What? I'm trying to be dramatic here!"

_"You're supposed to be happy, Master. Your plan was to destroy the village." _

"Oh… well… only the village! Not the entire world, so I have the right to grief!" Without further ado, he plunged his head back into the water again and continued blowing bubbles.

_"… Know what, Kumo? Let me join you guys. Believe me or not, I am kinda sick of hanging around with Hamlet. Eventually, all the angst gets to your head." _

"Join us?" Kuroro raised his exquisitely shaped eyebrow, "But to join the Genei Ryodan, you must either kill one of our members, or be nominated by one of us."

_"Hey, listen up, dude! Far as I can see, I'm the only one here with wings, and wings means aerial surveillance, right? So… let's make this temporary then when we finally get the Jug Ness Monster, I get a tiny cut of the pay and you can dump me wherever you like." _

"What's the catch?" Phinx demanded suspiciously, "You seem to be asking for little."

_"Tell me about it; but the alternative is hanging around with that guy there." _

Everyone turned to stare at the mass of bubbles on the surface of the water.

"I see."

"Ok, Macbeth. You've got a deal."

And they shook on that.

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Deep in the forest, the figure trudged, head down, arms hanging by the sides. "I can't believe they did that to me…" the figure mumbled, stumbling over random pieces of log and dirt, "After all I did for them…"

Finally, exhaustion took over, and the figure sat down with a sigh of both relief and misery.

"What shall I do now?" he mumbled, "What shall I be? I am nothing more, nothing more, nothing more."

There was a chattering, squeaky sound to his right and he turned to look.

He stared.

He stared.

He stared again.

"My, my, what a mess," he murmured, then he smiled and added, "As long as you serve me, I shall make this right." Then he smiled even wider and went about doing what he did best.

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	12. Chapter 12

Hi people! I know this is kind of quick, but a new chapter is up, for inspiration has been flowing like wine during Christmas lately. This chapter is extra long to make up for the previous pathetically short chapter. Anyway, the end is drawing near, and will come in either the next chapter or the chapter after the next. That is, if inspiration doesn't strike again. Anyway, do read and enjoy, and if you have some time, do review!

Thanks goes to shadow – wind auror for constantly reviewing my story. By the way, I am feeling much better already, so thank you for your well wishes.

Hunter X Hunter and Shakespeare does not belong to me. There are references to Heart of Darkness and Lord of the Rings in here, and neither texts belong to me either.

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It was by this time night, and the hot humid weather had turned cold. Around the fire the Kumo sat, Macbeth sitting on a crushed rock, and Hamlet blowing bubbles in a nearby puddle because they refused to let him continue doing so in the lake.

"I wish you hadn't lit the fire with your super power, Feitan," Ubogin commented, "the ground feels like charcoal now, and my butt is black from sitting on it."

"And that is my fault because?" Feitan sneered, "No one thought to bring matches."

"Yeah, because no one thought that we would be spending the night out here," Phinx sighed, "Dancho should have thought of it."

"Why is everything my fault?" Kuroro demanded, pouting in a highly aristocratic manner. "At that time, Shalnark was the official genius, and I was the official totally OC character."

"Yeah… come to think of it, Shalnark probably has the matches then."

"I miss Shalnark." Everyone turned to stare at Shizuku. "I do," she insisted, "And my vacuum cleaner misses him too. He is always nice to us."

"And we aren't nice to you?"

"Oh no, it's just that he would usually talk to me, so I have some chance to speak. It's because he isn't around now that I've been so dull and bland in this fic, which I feel is really unfair. Oh… and he would offer me a jacket during this time of the day, because he knows I'll be cold."

There was a long silence then Phinx slowly undid his sports jacket and handed it to her. "I take it that it was a hint."

"Oh yes," Shizuku said solemnly as she put the jacket on, "Definitely." She raised her hand and waved. Hesitantly, Phinx waved back. She smiled then closed her eyes and fell asleep.

"Is it just me," Phinx mumbled, "Or is Shizuku starting to act a little like Hisoka."

There was a general shudder amongst the Genei Ryodan at that thought. Hamlet found it difficult to shudder while blowing bubbles, and thus compromised by blowing more bubbles instead.

"When dawn breaks tomorrow," Kuroro said, gesturing the Genei Ryodan members who were still awake to lean together, "we will go out and hunt for the Jug Ness Monster. This time, instead of dividing the map here and here, we'll divide it here and here and here and here, then we'll go _solo_ to hunt that thing down. We can keep in contact this time, via Machi's nen thread."

"Yes!" Machi cheered quietly, "No more Hisoka! Woo-hoo! I love you, Dancho, I really, really love you."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"That was not a declaration of love, Dancho."

"Oh, really?" Briefly, Kuroro wondered if it would be OC or even fatal to waggle his eyebrows suggestively.

"Really. So Phinx, Ubo, stop humming the Wedding March, and someone pull Hamlet out before he drowns. As for you, Macbeth, you can shut up with the condolences to Dancho."

_"Ok, if you say so."_

"Right. We all know the truth"

"Oh yeah."

Machi bristled. "One more word about this, or one more sentence that holds a tone of disbelief or suggestiveness and I will go full PMS, and no one, not even Dancho can stop me."

Standing there smiling, she thoroughly enjoyed the sight of Macbeth throwing himself into the middle of the ring to beg everyone to keep their mouths shut.

"Anyway," Dancho muttered, once the chaos had died down, "tomorrow, we'll go Jug Ness hunting, so everybody get some rest."

"But we can save you a lot of trouble." Everyone started and looked around.

Suddenly, from the depths of the jungle, a screechy, hissing voice sounded. "Wouldn't you like us to save you a lot of trouble, precious?"

The Genei Ryodan members leapt to their feet, all of them radiating nen, fatigued but ready to meet the new threat. Macbeth fluttered behind a tree, and stayed there, yelling cheers for the Kumo. The tension was great, and Hamlet even went so far as to draw his head out of the water.

"What's the matter, precious? Are you afraid of us, precious? We only want to help, precious."

"Show yourself," Phinx shouted.

"We're waiting for your answer first, precious."

"Come out and we'll give it to you," Feitan drawled, his sword drawn and pointing in the direction of the voice.

"Very well, precious. We shall come out into the light."

And Shalnark walked into the light of the campfire. "Hi, people!" he intoned cheerily, "how's everybody doing."

"Shalnark!" Ubogin exploded, "What was that for? What's with the precious business?"

"Huh?" Shalnark tilted his head adorably, "Oh… I just thought it would be nice to show all of you how dear the Kumo is to me, so I thought I would address all of you by 'precious'. I mean, I didn't exactly give all of you a good impression of me by running off into the forest all by myself."

"Right." Kuroro rubbed the bridge of his nose, and solemnly reminded himself that at that moment, _he_ was the official nerd, not Shalnark, which explained for the sudden lost in mental clarity for the computer genius. "Where have you been, Shalnark? We all thought you turned traitor on us."

"Me?" Shalnark laughed, "Of course not. I was merely hurt by the way all of you treated me like I was worth nothing, and thus ran away to cry, vent and make voodoo dolls of all of you to torture. However, I've gotten much, much better, so I came back to help." His face turned frighteningly dark. "That is, if, you apologize, precious."

"For what?" Phinx snarled, "We've already got an official nerd, Dancho, so we don't need you."

"Oh really?" Shalnark smiled, "Did Dancho think of bringing the matches?"

"Hey, hey! At that moment, you were the…"

"Did Dancho manage to locate the Jug Ness Monster initially?"

"Hey! Why is everything my…"

"Did Dancho draw the link between Hamlet and Macbeth the moment he saw the feather?"

"I drew it later! And anyway, Hisoka was there to draw the link."

"Did Dancho manage to capture the Jug Ness Monster after all this?"

"Fine! Let everything be my fault! I am going off to a corner to sulk and be angry! Did everyone hear that? Did everyone?"

"Did Dancho offer his jacket to Shizuku?" Shalnark pressed on, ignoring Kuroro.

"Shalnark," Shizuku piped up, waddling forward adorably, "I missed you. Welcome back."

"Fine, be that way, Shizuku, and I'll brand you a traitor."

"Shalnark!" Machi gasped, practically tunnelling right into him, "I'm glad you're back."

"Fine, the ladies are all traitors! All traitors!"

"Thank you, ladies," Shalnark said suavely, "and now for my trump card, the rest of you ingrates! Did Dancho manage to summon this?"

Shizuku leapt back along with Machi, as the earth began to move. It trembled and shuddered, and then the entire surface seemed to towards them, much like a landslide on horizontal ground. There was a roar, like a primal monster rising from the depths of the earth to reclaim it's place on the surface. Lightning flashed and thunder roared as Shalnark threw back his head and laughed maniacally.

"I'll be damned…" Feitan muttered.

"Shalnark has summoned…"

"The lumps of dirt?" All of them gaped at the miscellaneously shaped lumps of dirt jumping around enthusiastically at Shalnark's feet.

"Exactly! Named scientifically by me, of course, I being the first one to discover and take the effort to name them, as _shalnarkian dirtinus_."

"You want us to apologize to you because you got the lumps of dirt to listen to you?" Ubogin roared.

"Think about it!" Shalnark cried, "Think about all the dirt you see lying around. Think about all the trouble we had to go through to search this entire map, and yet not find anything!"

"Oh, I'm thinking about it," Machi muttered.

"But with this lumps of dirt, this lumps of dirt that can go into virtually every crack under the Jug Lake, in the Jug Lake and over the Jug Lake, this millions upon millions of lumps of dirt… why, we've locate the Jug Ness Monster in a matter of seconds! How do you guys think I know about what happened to all of you today?"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Shalnark," Kuroro said gallantly, "As a gentleman, I am able to lay down my pride and apologize to you."

"We all do what Dancho do," Phinx put in hurriedly, and smiled sheepishly when Kuroro glared at him.

"Buddy!" Ubogin roared, and thundered forward to deliver a crushing hug and a kiss to the boy.

"Ok… ok… that's enough of your love, Ubo," Shalnark panted, trying to struggle free from the hug which had pretty much the same effect as a corset.

"So, are we forgiven?" Feitan demanded once Ubo let go of Shalnark.

"Hmm…" Shalnark mused aloud, "Ok. You're forgiven." Then for the sake of being in character, he flashed a charming smile and gave the Victory sign.

"Great one halt, and hear my voice."

"Hmm?" Shalnark turned around and observed a very shaky and wet Hamlet wobbling towards him.

"What gift didst thou hath, that allowed thee to sway the Kumo?"

"Hmm?"

"Upon dirt, we both asked them to gaze! To create mental motion, we both beseeched of them! Yet, only one prevailed! Only thou prevailed! What reason could that be?"

Shalnark petted him on the shoulder sympathetically. "It's ok, Hamlet, not everybody has the brain of a genius." A pause. "And of course, I didn't speak in Shakespeare."

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It was thus, the dawn came to see the strange sight of nine people and one parrot squeezed haphazardly into a speed boat as it sped down the Jug Lake. How the Genei Ryodan found a high-tech speed boat in the middle of nowhere is up to the reader's imagination.

At the wheel stood Kuroro, and by his side, sat Shalnark, who leaned constantly towards the water to hear the instructions of his _dirtinus. _

"Left! Dancho! Left!" he yelled.

"Ok!" Kuroro eyed the narrow inlet. He turned at the exact split-second, and without slowing down, the boat leapt into the inlet with an appropriately dramatic splash of foam and waves.

_"Oh, my spinning head," _Macbeth mumbled, staggering and swaying miserably on Phinx's shoulder, having taken a liking to it since it was broader, and the owner did not have any tendency to smile and flash poker cards in front of his beak.

"No one cares about your spinning head," Feitan snapped, holding on to a railing for dear life. He had no fear of being thrown off the boat, but the position he was in ensured that if he slipped and fell to the left, he would end up with a face full of Hisoka. Also, while Feitan generally liked speed, he always preferred it when it was his feet that were doing the speeding.

Phinx and Machi were copying Feitan's act of clinging to the railing, only they were on the other side of the boat. Their reasons for doing so varied. For Machi, it was the same as with Feitan. For Phinx, the reason was a fear of crashing into Machi.

"This is fun," Shizuku said conversationally to her vacuum cleaner, "don't you think so, Hamlet?" A barfing sound answered her and she shook her head. "He does like to hang his head over the railing," she commented, "like Ubogin is doing over there."

"Ubo! Hamlet! Stop barfing on my _dirtinus_!"

"If I could…" Ubo mumbled miserably.

"Right, Dancho! Right!" Shalnark yelped suddenly as the millions of _dirtinus_ beneath them swung into an even narrower inlet suddenly.

The boat's passengers gave a collective moan as Kuroro turned a sharp right. "This is fun," Kuroro commented casually to Shalnark, "without the burdens that come with being the nerdy one, I get to be free! And… riding this speed boat over the waves most certainly give a feeling of freedom. Of course, the fact that as Dancho, I get to order everyone around definitely gives me a sense of superiority and…"

"Slow down, Dancho! The lake's shallower ahead, and there are huge sharp rocks jutting out!"

"Ok. You know, you could at least have commented on my statement, Shalnark."

"Yes, Dancho. Eh… you're free. Left! Left! There's an iceberg shaped rock ahead!"

"Ah…" Kuroro spun the wheel hurriedly. Everyone tumbled screamingly into each other as the speedboat swerved to the left.

"Stop it! Stop it!" Machi shrieked, trying to get out from under Hisoka.

"My, my," Hisoka purred, happily squashed into Machi by Feitan.

"Oh hell…" Phinx muttered as he landed millimetres from Hisoka's foot, where a card was slowly making its way out of his heels.

"Most blasted speed," Hamlet moaned from under Phinx.

_"Right, Master," _Macbeth agreed, choosing to land on Kuroro's shoulder to avoid the squeeze at the back.

"Oh no," Shizuku mumbled, sitting on top of Ubogin, and thus the top of the heap, "what a mess. I would really love to do a little cleaning up."

Eventually the boat righted itself, and everyone scrambled up (everyone that is, but Hisoka, who slowly, slowly, slowly got up.)

"My, my," he commented again, and looked at his chest, which had been transformed into an overcrowded pin cushion. Machi sat up, her hands filled with needles, and her eyes burning with hatred as old as time.

"I will murder you!" she screamed, causing Shalnark to tumble into the water.

"Machi! The cell!" Kuroro warned again.

"Who cares about the cell?" she shrieked, "I just got a face full of Hisoka already!"

"Machi!" Kuroro warned again.

"Machi, Machi, how adorable you look with your face all puffed up like that," Hisoka purred happily, "Pin me again. I love it when you pin me like this."

"…"

"... Oh my gosh."

"… He did not just say that."

"She's going to kill all of us now."

Much to their amazement, instead of trying to murder the entire boatful of men, Machi merely spun around and sat next to Shizuku, her needles still clutched in her hands. "The horror… the horror…" she mumbled, gazing into the darkness.

"I know," Shizuku answered, "I've got some face wipes in my vacuum cleaner and disinfectant. Come, let's get you clean."

The remaining members of the Genei Ryodan gaped in amazement as Shizuku led an eerily calm Machi off to a corner and they sat down together to clean up the poor girl's face.

"I don't believe this," Feitan mumbled.

"I mean, they are women… but they don't… don't do girl stuff like this… I mean… ok… they do… I mean… but they don't… can't…"

"Impossible it is," Hamlet muttered, "to see thy Fiery Lady sitting in a friend's house, speaking of teenage crushes and upon their nails, paint the ill-colour of pink."

"Yeah… that's what I meant. They don't sit in a corner and braid each other's hair."

"Or do make-up together."

"Or clean their faces together…"

"It's just wrong. It's not them."

"Yeah…"

"Don't be mean." They all gaped again as Shizuku stood up, her hands on her hips and a pout on her face. "Machi's is suffering from mood swings all because you horrible men don't understand what she's going through. How could all of you bully her? She's a woman, even if she doesn't act like one, so don't you men go pushing her around with your male-chauvinistic air of oblivion."

Instinct kicked in and the men squirmed uncomfortably, staring at their toes and twiddling their fingers. Even Kuroro managed to twiddle his fingers as he sped the boat along at two hundred miles per hour. Macbeth settled for twiddling his talons.

"Greatest apologies we pile on thee, most Fiery Lady," Hamlet began suddenly, drawing his back straight, "Of the thoughts of the fairer, but by no means, lesser sex, poor Man, alas, has little knowledge. It is Ignorance, Oblivion, and alas, Stupidity that has led forth the hurt we put onto thee, most beloved Lady. Alas! Can forgiveness not be granted? Rein in thy needles and deal no more damage. Thy anger, thy hurt, and thy needles which piercedth my heart to the very core, is punishment enough." Dropping to his knees, he gave a wonderful sweeping bow before the distraught woman.

"It wouldn't work," Phinx bet.

"Nope, it wouldn't," Feitan agreed, and thus the bet was off.

Machi grunted, wiping her face obsessively. "Ok," she granted, "you are forgiven." All the jaws attached to the males dropped, and even Macbeth's beak hung open for a good five seconds.

"You see?" Shizuku cut in before any of the men could speak. "You just have to be a little nice to us and we'll be nice to you. Who ever said women are hard to please?"

The men looked down again and twiddled their fingers even more. Some, like Phinx and Kuroro even went so far as to twiddle their toes, Kuroro stopping the boat to do so.

"Hey, forget all that, ok," Machi growled suddenly, "I just lost my mind when Hisoka crashed into me, ok? Forget that sign of weakness immediately."

Immediately, for their own sake, all the men took to erasing the recent minutes from their mind diligently.

"All forgotten," Feitan announced.

"Huh? Forgotten what?"

"Who? What? Forgotten what?"

"Oh… nothing. Must be my imagination."

"Good," Machi growled, making sure she settled as far as possible from Hisoka.

"Oh my gosh."

Everyone turned to stare at Kuroro, who was staring in the rear mirror. "What, Dancho?" Ubogin demanded.

"Kumo, look." Kuroro gestured behind and everyone turned to look.

At that moment, the sun suddenly erupted from the clouds and the rays of light were visible as they filtered between the leaves to hit the water. On it, Shalnark walked, as the water glittered and shone in the white light of the sun. For a moment, it seemed that he was set alight with some white fire then he reached the boat and climbed in.

"Shalnark…" Phinx gasped, "You… you…"

"I had faith," Shalnark replied then "So convenient isn't it. It's impossible to drown with millions of _shalnarkian dirtinus_ around the boat, forming a solid platform to walk on." On cue, the white light vanished and slid behind the trees to wait for their next cameo.

There was a long silence as the Kumo and their new friends stared at him. Then there was a pause in the journey as they each took turns to walk on the lumps of dirt that now floated around the boat.

Suddenly, the _shalnarkian dirtinus_ starting squeaking loudly and Shalnark leapt forward to listen. "Some are complaining about Feitan's weight…" he began.

"Oh… that must be this," from the depths of his clothes, Feitan pulled out a spiked ball attached to a chain, "and this…" a rack was pulled out, "and this…" followed by a full set of the Chinese Water Torture Device (v.20), "and this…" an almost completed set of Hanzou's Encyclopaedia on How to Torture Little Boys Dressed In Green Who Have the Support of All the Audience (v.12) was dragged out unceremoniously.

"Right," Shalnark mumbled then continued, "but more importantly, it seems like the Jug Ness Monster is heading straight for the village!"

"My plan has worked!" Hamlet cried delightedly then shrunk down again as eighteen eyes glared at him.

"Then there is no time to waste," Kuroro said, drawing himself up like some gallant knight of old, and conveniently ignoring Hamlet's existence, "come! Forward we shall go! With great speed! Yes, great speed!"

"Dancho! Watch out for that log which isn't a log but an animal pretending to be a log!"

"Oh… alright."

Thus, the speedboat sped forward towards the village, with the passengers screaming and wailing on it.


	13. Chapter 13

Ha ha! The next chapter is up already! I'm rolling! I'm rolling! This is the second last chapter people! I'm still rolling! Oh yeah, baby! Read and Review people, Read and Review! Move with the beat!

Repeat: I do not owe Hunter X Hunter or Shakespeare or Lord of the Rings or any other references to any other texts you may have found in here.

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It was thus when the Genei Ryodan reached the village that they beheld a great sight.

"Oh my, what a great sight!" Kuroro gasped, still in the gallant-knight mode.

Yet, indeed it was a great sight, for before them a storm raged (metaphorically speaking). The Jug Ness Monster had crawled out of the lake and was now thundering around the village, sending houses flying as it roared. The villagers ran from it (that is, till they reached a safe distance where they could stand and watch the show), and hunters ran towards it (all noticing the audience and eager to put up a show). High above, the purple –Ing balloon now no longer anchored to the ground was slowly floating away.

"Look out!"

One of the reporters was standing in the way of the Jug Ness Monster as it thundered towards him. The reporter stood there frozen, his camera still running, even as the Jug Ness Monster (by some strange work of nature), stepped over him daintily and continued its destruction further on. The reporter eventually grew to fame due to his wonderful footage of the Jug Ness Monster, and was inevitably killed when a penny dropped from the top of the Reporter's Association and hit him on the head.

Back on the speedboat, in relative safety, the Genei Ryodan sat down and started to ponder belatedly about their next plan. "Ok, it is one thing to bring the –Ing to civilization to sell," Kuroro said, "but another, to bring a Shakespeare-speaking Jug Ness Monster to civilization to sell."

"It wouldn't take it more than five minutes to drive all our buyers insane," Phinx agreed, "The Kumo was spared only because we have had past experiences with dealing with Things-That-Drive-People-To-The-Brink-Of-Insanity." Everyone nodded in agreement and sneaked accusing glances at Hisoka. Macbeth chose to send his wrath to his Master, who could pass for Things-That-Drive-People-To-The-Brink-Of-Insanity.

"So," Kuroro went on, "what we have to do is to remove the things that gave the Jug Ness Monster its power."

"The Words?" Shizuku guessed, and everyone gasped at her mental clarity.

"Yes indeed," Kuroro said, "though how we're going to do that is beyond my imagination."

Everyone turned to glare at Hamlet and he shrunk even lower.

"Well," Shalnark tried, "it ate the Words, right? Maybe we could try to make it regurgitate its Words."

"Nice try," Kuroro muttered, "but how would we do that?"

_"Hey… hey…" _Macbeth started, _"Let me say something, please." _

"Yeah?"

_"Alright. I'm only telling you this to earn my pay, okay? _

"Okay. What is it, Macbeth?"

_"Ok…" _Macbeth twiddled his talons uncomfortably, _"Listen, the pharmacy at the village sells a kind of laxative that's... well… strong. Just one pill can make a man vomit out everything he had eaten since two weeks ago." _

"Ah?" Shalnark stared. "That is biologically impossible… oh… is the pharmacist a nen-user?"

_"I wouldn't know, kid," _Macbeth sighed, _"but I've tried it myself before… when I… well… ok! I confess! I didn't learn how to speak like normal parrots. I… I ate… I ate…" _

"You ate Words?" Feitan asked, his eyes narrowing in suspicion.

_"Yeah… but nothing as powerful as Shakespeare,"_ Macbeth mumbled mournfully, _"I ate the dinner menu of the last meal Albert Einstein had before he came up with Emc²." _

"And you tried to regurgitate it?" Feitan pressed.

_"Yeah… actually, I wanted to regurgitate it see… because… well… parrots are supposed to learn how to speak naturally, not by eating Words… but people always made fun of me so I felt so bad… but then after I ate those Words, I got afraid and… so I bought those pills see… but after I tested it on the man who always throws stones at me… I chickened out." _

"Oh…"

"That is an intriguing story," Kuroro cut in, "but the pharmacy has probably been destroyed by now." Even as he spoke, the pharmacy,went flying past their heads.

_"I was going to add,"_ Macbeth went on, _"That the pharmacists makes her pills outside the village, in a little abandoned, shabby warehouse two miles east of the village." _

"Ah…" Kuroro nodded his head knowingly, "that is a… hey… that's…"

"Our new headquarters!" Phinx yelped.

"And thus is fate," Hamlet said mournfully, drawing little circles on the floor of the speedboat with his finger.

"Right!" Dancho stood up, his coat flying behind him, "Feitan! To the warehouse immediately, with the greatest speed you can muster! Bring back as many pills as your clothes will carry!"

"No problem," Feitan smirked and was off in a dash.

"The problem now," Kuroro went on, settling down again, "is making the Jug Ness Monster swallow the pills."

"Ah, Dancho?" Shalnark raised a hand and smiled. "I think I've got a plan."

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Two minutes later, Feitan was back.

One minute later, Dancho ordered Feitan to stop dumping the pills on the boat or it was going to sink.

Five minutes later, Shalnark made sure everyone had understood his plan.

Twenty minutes later, Ubogin finally understood what the plan was.

Ten minutes later, Shizuku finally recalled what the plan was.

Thirty seconds later, they were ready to rumble.

Two hours later, Macbeth was still clinging to the steering wheel of the boat, wailing about being sent to his death.

Five seconds later, Machi convinced Macbeth that the alternative was much worse.

Two minutes later, they were finally rumbling.

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Holding the steering wheel with one hand, Kuroro materialised his nen book in the other. Smiling evilly, he expertly flipped the pages with two fingers till it came to the picture of a person who had a head that strangely resembled a big ball of red fur. "Mind Voice, activated," he murmured, "Testing, one, two. Testing one, two. Kumo, do you hear me?"

"Yes, Dancho," seven voices answered.

"Macbeth?"

_"Don't let me die, please! Don't let me die!" _

"Thank you. Ok, Kumo. We are rolling in five, four, three, two… drum roll, please. Yes, thank you, thank you, thank you, I appreciate the adoration. One."

From a cliff, coincidentally, the same one Kuroro had stood upon many days ago, Feitan smirked and turned to Shizuku. "Don't drag me down now, Shizuku."

"I wouldn't," she replied hotly, and they launched off the cliff.

"Ow."

"Oompf."

"Ouch."

"Ow."

"Owwwwwww…"

"Ohhhhhhhhhh…"

And they reached the bottom. "I thought I told you not to drag me down?"

"You did?"

"Arg… never mind. Now let's get that thing's attention."

"Ok. Jug Ness Monster!" Shizuku cried, rushing towards the purple-coloured chaos, "Hey! Jug Ness Monster… what was it that Shalnark told us to shout?"

Feitan rolled his eyes, twiddled his fingers, twiddled his toes and showed other signs of embarrassment, all while running along at supersonic speed. Finally, he gathered up his courage and abashedly shouted, "Come forth, Jug Ness Monster! Brutus and Cassius shall meet thee at Philippi!"

An electric silence descended as the Jug Ness Monster froze in the act of stuffing the mayor's house into the duck pond. **"Brutus? Cassius? Alas, alas, hath tyranny ruined my gait, and forth rode Caesar's Bane? Nay! Caesar shall prevail!" **With a roar much like the scream of a banshee, it twisted around in a manner much like a snake trying to kiss its back, and thundered towards the two Kumo. 

"I think we've got his attention, Feitan."

"Ok," Feitan conceded, "now we distract it."

"Right."

"Mm."

"How?"

"Well, given that it's rolling towards us now, I would strongly suggest running away."

"Oh, I see. Ok."

Then they turned and ran for their lives.

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From the boat, Kuroro watched them through a pair of binoculars. "Ok, Kumo, Feitan and Shizuku are leading it towards the Trap. Phinx, it's time to start rolling."

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Even though they were quite a distance away, the rest of the Kumo could see the Jug Ness Monster thundering towards them. "Ok Dancho," Phinx replied to his Dancho's order, "I'm rolling right now." Hitching up his sleeve, he started to rotate his right arm.

"It's coming soon, Phinx," Ubogin warned, "hurry up with it."

"How many rounds should I go?"

"Well… it's huge… say about twenty. Just don't kill it."

"Twenty, huh? Well… how about fifteen."

"Well…"

"Guys," Machi broke in, "it's past Shalnark and Hisoka's hideout already. It's coming now!"

"Fifteen it is then."

Jumping into the path of the Jug Ness Monster, Phinx rotated his right arm some more. "Fifteen, and I'm done rolling." He smirked even as he saw Shizuku and Feitan rushing towards him.

"It's all yours, Phinx!" Shizuku yelled, just as she and Feitan leapt out of the way.

"Hit it, now!" Kuroro's voice shouted as Phinx drew back his arm.

**"Traitors!" **The Jug Ness Monster yelled, just as it reached Phinx in a rush of dust and dirt.

"See ya, sucker!" Phinx replied with a smirk, oblivious to the cliché, and hit it.

For a moment, both forces froze in inertia, the Jug Ness Monster poised with one ambiguously shaped fin above Phinx's head, and Phinx with his arm buried half way into what could have been a blister or a purple balloon that got stuck to the Jug Ness Monster when it was busy destroying the town. The other Genei Ryodan stood around, gaping anxiously. Then with a deep sigh, the Jug Ness Monster toppled backwards and crashed into the ground.

"Oh yeah, I rock!" Phinx cheered, just as the blister exploded and drenched him in a liquid which is best left unexplained to the readers.

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"Alright!" Kuroro cheered as he shut out Phinx's curses and yells of dismay with great deliberation, "They got it, Hamlet!"

"Oh woe be me," Hamlet wailed, and pushed some _dirtinus_ out of the way so he could stick his head back into the water and blow bubbles.

"Alright…" Kuroro repeated, watching the action through the binoculars, "Alright, Kumo! We're rocking alright. What's Machi doing? She's supposed to tie it up now! Machi! Machi!"

"Oh woe be me," Hamlet wailed even louder as the _dirtinus_ kept swarming back into the hole he was trying to make.

"Machi! Get it!" Kuroro screamed then leaned back and smiled as he saw Machi spring into action.

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"Machi! Get it!" Kuroro's voice yelped.

Shaken out of her shock, Machi leapt forward, her nen threads lashing out. Even as she moved, the Jug Ness Monster was already starting to get up. "Oh no, you don't!" she cried, as she wrapped her nen thread around four appendages that were probably the fins. Just to make sure, she decided to wrap nen thread around most of the… well… things that stuck out.

**"Slay me, villains! Would thou draggedth me through street and throng for all to see? Save me my honour! Bring me Death, and I shall embrace it like a bride in the dark!" **

"Oh, save me the images," Feitan groaned.

"Quick, Ubogin! It's breaking the threads!" Machi yelped.

"Alright!" Ubogin roared, a huge bundle in his arms, "It's your turn to shine, buddy!"

_"No! Don't! Don't let me die! Don't let me die!" _Macbeth wailed, clinging furiously to Ubogin's arms.

"Oh don't be silly! You'll be fine!" Ubogin chirped, smiling in a way that suggested otherwise.

_"No! Don't!"_ Macbeth screamed as Ubogin hoisted him up. Well… technically, what Ubogin hoisted up was Macbeth wrapped in a huge blanket filled with all the pills Feitan could find.

"Ok buddy! It's time to earn your pay!"

_"No!" _Macbeth screamed.

"Full power on!" Ubogin roared, and threw with all his might.

_"No!" _Macbeth screamed as he flew straight for the Jug Ness Monster's mouth.

"He's closing his mouth!" Phinx shouted, "He's not going to make it!"

"I know!" Feitan leapt high into the air and landed, as hard as he could, on what was probably the lizard's belly. It gave out a loud gasp of pain, giving Macbeth just sufficient time to fly in.

_"NO!" _Was the last word they heard, as the parrot finally entered the great cavern.

"Yes!" everyone else cheered, "He's in!"

"Help!" Feitan yelled, wobbling dangerously, his legs all the way into the belly of the lizard, "I'm stuck!"

"Now do your job, Macbeth!" Ubogin roared, ignoring Feitan, "Hurry up and dump the pills in!"

**"What pills be this? Nay! I shall swallow naught that comes from the enemy!" **

"And there's where I come in." Suddenly, Hisoka materialised from behind, smiling happily. "Swallow up, dear friend," he cooed, as he happily stuck the nostrils and mouth closed, "Swallow up once you can't breathe!" Throwing back his head, he laughed maniacally.

"Macbeth," Feitan instructed, resignedly stuck hip-deep in the Jug Ness Monster, "You have less than a minute to get out through his ears. I suggest you hurry up or he'll swallow you as well."

_"I know! I know! I'm trying, but I can't get the bag loose… ah! There! Ok, I'm exiting! I'm exiting! I'm… how do you get to the ears?" _

"How am I supposed to know? Climb up I guess."

_"Where's up? I'm disoriented! I'm dying! Can't… breathe… can't… breathe… can't…You could at least show a little sympathy you know?" _

"For what?" Feitan asked, examining his nails for a lack of other things (such as his toes) to look at, "We are like this in the Kumo. You die then you die."

_"Fine! I'll just do this myself." _

Feitan settled back resignedly, staring at his arm to avoid having to stare at what he was stuck in. "Good luck, Macbeth," he drawled, "though I wouldn't trust to it."

_"I don't care. I'm not talking to you anymore. I've found a path that goes out and I'm going up, so goodbye." _

"Alright."

_"I meant it. Goodbye." _

"I – don't – care."

_"Fine! Fine! Heartless bastard." _

"Bye," Feitan drawled, looking down his mask, "ta-ta. It was nice while it lasted." He went back to staring at his nails again, and wondered briefly if borrowing a nail file from Machi to ensure his nails were in top-killing form was considered meterosexual.

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Kuroro stared hard through the binoculars. "I think Macbeth's in," he said out loud for the sake of Hamlet and the _dirtinus_ swarming around them, "Shalnark's plan is working! I'll be damned."

Interestedly, he watched as the Jug Ness Monster turned even more purplish, and two well… orbs that could pass off for eyeballs rolled back to show the whites… or rather, the light purple. Briefly, he wondered exactly which passage Macbeth was climbing out off.

"Maybe I should go there and help," he said, "even though Shalnark's rationalisation that a person watching from afar could handle the situation better is quite logical." He waited for a reply. "Hamlet?" He turned around and his jaw dropped.

Hamlet was missing.

Hamlet was missing.

Hamlet was missing.

That had to mean trouble.

Well, it has to. If it didn't mean trouble, it wouldn't have happened.

Right?

Kuroro cursed out loud, earning him several disapproving glares from the _dirtinus_, and wished that he was still the nerdy one, so he could reach a conclusion on that issue.

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"Is Macbeth out yet?" Shalnark called, jogging out to the waiting Kumo.

"Not yet," Phinx replied, "looks like he's doomed."

"Yeah… so this thing hasn't swallowed yet?"

"It's holding out real nice." Phinx grunted disapprovingly, "though it is turning a rather nice shade of blue."

"Yeah… luckily it has stopped struggling," Machi agreed, holding on to her nen thread with both hands.

"Ok," Shalnark went on, turning to the rest of the Genei Ryodan, "Ok. Once that thing swallows, the Words are going to come flying out like… well… a flying object. Anyway, the important thing is for Shizuku to vacuum up all the Words. We don't want another incident of an animal eating the Words. Got that, Shizuku?"

"Oh yes."

"Good," Shalnark said, feeling very satisfied, "with its Words out of it, the Jug Ness Monster will be easy to capture."

There was a sudden rumbling from the Jug Ness Monster, and Hisoka poked his head over a pimple (possibly fin). "I don't mean to be a wet blanket," he purred, "but I don't think the Jug Ness Monster can take it any longer. It's going to swallow soon."

"Alas for poor Macbeth," Feitan said emotionlessly, "can someone pull me out of here? I really don't want to be here when the Words start flying out." A pale arm was offered to him and he reached out to take it. Seeing however, that the arm was attached to a smile that was capable of making the earth tremble, he hesitated.

"I'm standing on solid bone, Feitan," Hisoka drawled, dragging out Feitan's name lovingly, "wouldn't you be much happier standing here as well?"

"Somehow, I doubt that," Feitan muttered, but took the arm all the same.

"There," Hisoka purred, putting Feitan down next to him, "there's a good boy." He giggled, and Feitan wished he was down on solid ground, with an enraged Machi to ensure Hisoka's attention was somewhere else.

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"_Horrible, horrible, Kumo! Horrible, horrible people! How could they have left me all alone to do this all by myself while stuck deep in some… some… part of the –Ing?" _

Macbeth sniffed miserably the best a bird can sniff, and shuffled forward, unused to walking on its talons. _"I can't believe they did that to me!" _he mumbled, shuffling on.

Suddenly, in front of it, there was a light, purplish glow. _"What? What is this new devilry?" _he muttered, _"There can't be other things living in this –Ing, can there? I mean… ok… maybe… but…" _Hesitation overtook him and he stopped. _"And I'm not even sure this is the way out." _

The confirmation he needed came without warning. From the depths of the passage before him, a disembodied voice floated out, "Oh dearest, dearest Macbeth! This is Hisoka speaking! Follow the voice to get out now, dear!"

For a moment, Macbeth considered running in the other direction then claustrophobia decided for him.

"_Hisoka!"_ he wailed, shuffling forward at a faster speed. _"Hisoka, I never thought I would say this, but help me! Talk some more! Let your voice lead me out!" _

Outside, Hisoka smiled prettily down at Feitan. "And I never felt so wanted," he purred then laughed.

Feitan shuddered and returned to daydreams of torturing some random passer-by to death in a place where Hisoka could not smile and laugh at him.

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"He's out! He's out!" Kuroro almost screamed in excitement, "More importantly, he hasn't seemed to have caused any permanent damage to the Jug Ness Monster! He's out! Yes!" He high-fived a _dirtinus_ and wiped his hand absent-mindedly on the back of his pants.

"Dancho…" Shalnark's voice floated from nowhere, "All's going well. Can you see anything from where you are that may cause our plan to go wrong?"

"Well…" Kuroro mumbled, "Hamlet's missing."

"Oh? Well… I wouldn't trust him, but all we've got to do now is to wait for this thing to swallow. It wouldn't last long now. It's practically turning blue by now."

"Alright, Kumo. Let's rumble."

Just at that very moment, a loud groaning, sound, much like the sound of thunder was heard. The entire earth shuddered, and wave upon wave was sent flying across the lake, almost upsetting the boat Kuroro was on. He raised his eyes to look, and beheld a sight that few had seen in a million years or more.

The –Ing was swallowing.

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	14. Chapter 14

Hello people! This is the last chapter for this story! Sad huh, but all goods things must come to an end (well… perhaps not so much "good" things in this case, but "things"). It has been great writing this story, and this is probably the best story I have written so far. I will come up with other Hunter X Hunter stories, but I'm not sure I will use the same whacky, satirical style I used in here. Please to support me all the same anyway!

Finally, for the last time in this fanfic: Hunter X Hunter, Shakespeare etc do not belong to me.

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"Arg! What the…" Phinx yelled, as the Kumo stumbled and swayed helplessly with the ground shaking and breaking apart beneath them.

"That's it," Hisoka said, releasing his nen, "I can't hold it down much longer." He picked Macbeth up carefully and leapt off… whatever part of the –Ing he had been standing on, Feitan following close behind him.

"It's swallowing!" Shalnark cried as Shizuku fell flat on her face behind him, "It's swallowing! Oh yeah!"

With its mouth and nostrils free, the Jug Ness Monster threw back his head and breathed deeply. **"Alas! Alas! Power fades and men shall fall. Hence forth, I shall pall. Out my Words, oh out they go. Alas! Alas! I have paid my toll." **

There was a sudden retching sound. A shudder ran throughout the great purple frame. Everyone stared in awe as the Jug Ness Monster drew itself up, it's head lifted high. Then without warning, the Words started to fly out.

Along with a lot of other unmentionable stuff.

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Screaming and yelling, the Kumo started to run as the Words and the unmentionables started to rain down on them. Amongst the chaos, Shizuku could be heard shouting, "Suck up everything the Jug Ness Monster is regurgitating!"

There was a gurgling kind of sound then the vacuum cleaner kicked into action, and suddenly, the path of the projectile changed. The Kumo stopped, seeing that neither of them would be hit by –Ing vomit.

"We've done it!" Machi yelped, so delighted she almost lost her cool and kissed Shalnark on the nose. "Shalnark, you are a genius!"

"Aw shucks," Shalnark mumbled, rubbing the back of his head abashedly, "At least now all of you know how to appreciate me."

Phinx and Ubogin were busy doing the victory dance, which included a lot of high-fiving and leg stamping. Feitan merely stood there and smirked.

"At last, we have wrapped up one of our toughest missions," Hisoka drawled, scratching Macbeth's beak. Macbeth sat calmly on Hisoka's shoulder, enjoying the scratching, and starting to develop something akin to "like" for the man.

"Oh, it's not really over yet," Shalnark said seriously, "Once that thing is done vomiting, I've got to control it with my nen power so it will follow us back to civilisation. If not, we'll never get this thing back to York Shin City to sell."

"What can go wrong?" Phinx yelled, twirling around in joy, "What can go wrong at all? We've done it! We've taken out the Words!"

On cue, the Jug Ness Monster slumped down, no longer retching anymore. It raised a flipper/wart, and scratched its head, blinking like a creature that has just awakened from a deep sleep.

"Oh yeah, no more Shakespeare, huh?" Phinx jeered. The –Ing looked at him then gave a soft singing noise, much like the call of a whale.

There was a long silence as all the chaos came to an abrupt stop. Then the Kumo exchanged startled looks.

"Wow," Machi murmured, "I don't see why it wanted the Words when it has got a call like that."

"Yeah," Shizuku agreed.

Before them, the –Ing started to change. Its head smoothened out, and all the ambiguous lumps vanished. Gone were the warts, blisters, pimples and… moles, and the fins became distinctive. Its body lengthened, and became clearly a body. Soon, all parts of it were identifiable as the parts that they were supposed to be.

"Oh my gosh," Kuroro's voice came from far away, "That's how the –Ing really looks like, huh?"

"Yeah," Shalnark said quietly, "Yeah, I guess."

"I'll be damned," Ubogin said.

"Yeah, me too."

"Me three."

"Me four."

"Let's not continue, or we'll sound like some kind of cavemen come to life. We're all feeling like Ubo."

"Yeah."

Slowly, the –Ing lifted its head and gave another beautiful call. It shifted forward, and lowered its head gently such that it nudged Machi (the whole of Machi, given the size of its head). Machi hesitated then patted it gently.

"It was just a tool," Shalnark said softly, gently stroking the –Ing's head, "It was used by Hamlet to wreck havoc."

"Now that I see it," Shizuku said softly, "As it really is, I cannot bear to take it away to live in some tank."

They had all surrounded the –Ing by then and were patting it gently. It called softly and gently nudged them, almost throwing them off their feet.

"Dancho," Shalnark called, "I think we've got some hearts softening here."

From a distance, Kuroro came hurrying up. He nodded in reply to Shalnark then circled around to look at the –Ing. "It's beautiful," he agreed, "Extraordinarily beautiful. Though it is purple, it seems to fit better in the forest than in some tank." He raised a hand and run his hand down the –Ing's flank (that is, as far as his arm could stretch). "It's really a reptile," he said wonderingly, "I always wondered, but it really is. Feel how cold it is."

"You're not the only one, Dancho."

"Yeah. I wondered once if this thing was actually an alien from outer space."

"I wondered if it was Hisoka's brother."

"Yeah, me too."

Kuroro sighed. "I think it is decided," he said mournfully, "even though this thing will give us millions of dollars… well… I don't think we'll bring it back. We'll just have to recoup our losses by robbing all of the underground auctions in York Shin City."

"_Aw?" _Macbeth moaned, _"There goes my part of the pay. Ah well…at least I got a new friend!" _He pecked Hisoka's ear lovingly, and the other Kumo's shuddered.

"I don't suppose I could nominate Macbeth to join the Genei Ryodan, could I?" Hisoka purred, happily petting the bird. "He seems to be the only one here who truly appreciates my talent."

Kuroro hesitated then recalled what a lack of appreciation did to someone as normal as Shalnark, and made up his mind immediately. "Oh… ok… I mean, it ate the Words, so it has some nen I guess. Well… I always felt Genei Ryodan needed a mascot, only I was thinking along the lines of a huge scary spider and not a parrot. It will have to do. I just can't figure out where we can put the spider tattoo on."

Hisoka and Macbeth smirked happily to each other and scratched each other tenderly.

The Kumo gathered together and looked at the –Ing one last time. "It's so damned cute," Phinx sighed, "and we spent so much time hunting it, but ah well… let's just get on with it and get out of this hell hole."

"It is agreed," Kuroro said, "let us go."

Just as they turned to leave, however, a shrill cry rang out from the other end of the –Ing.

"What was that?" Feitan asked as they circled hurriedly around the –Ing to look at the new threat.

There, standing at the back of the –Ing stood Hamlet. "Defeat thou imagined I have fallen to!" he cried, "But thou art Stupid, and Ignorant and Oblivious! Not to mention Ugly, Horrible, Irresponsible, Insensitive and Uncouth. Behold, the remaining pages of A Midsummer Night's Dream!" He held out the torn book triumphantly. "Now for Terror!" He leapt forward, and ran the other way, heading for the –Ing's mouth.

"Stop him!" Kuroro cried as the Kumo turned around and headed back for the front of the –Ing, "Don't let him feed it the Words again!"

"Don't let him!" Feitan echoed, "There are no more of those vomit pills left! Macbeth fed all of them to the –Ing just now!"

That was enough to send the Genei Ryodan running faster and faster to the front. They reached there just as Hamlet did. "Stop it!" Phinx yelled.

"Behold the Words, thou stricken beast!" Hamlet yelled, "Eat thy Words, and be strong!" Without bothering to tear the pages, he drew back his arm and started to squeeze it into the –Ing's mouth.

Just at that exact moment, Machi reached him. "Eat your own Words, asshole," she growled and tore the book from his arms. Before anyone could stop her, she tore a few pages up, bunched them into a ball, and shoved them down Hamlet's throat.

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For a moment, everyone froze in their positions, even the –Ing which stared down at them with a look much like that of a puppy begging for a scratch. Hamlet clutched his throat despairingly and coughed, sounding like a blocked pipe being unblocked.

Then suddenly, he fell forward on all fours and made a whining noise.

The Kumo backed off rapidly, Macbeth clutching hard to Hisoka's shoulder. Hamlet made a second whining noise and then stood up on his legs again. Then he gave a call much like the sound of nails scratching over a blackboard.

"I'll be damned," Kuroro muttered, "so that's what happens when a Speaking Creature eats the Words."

"They actually lose it," Shalnark marvelled, "he's lost his Words!"

Hamlet gave them a mournful look as he tried to move his mouth to articulate the Words. It didn't work and he whined again.

"Ah well," Phinx broke in, stretching his arms, "that's that. You can get back your Words once you find the pharmacist who makes those marvellous puke pills. It would take some time though, given that you've just destroyed the entire village using the –Ing." He patted said lizard fondly.

"You have no idea how happy I am to not be able to hear you complain and insult anymore," Feitan agreed, feeling much friendlier now that the Shakespeare-using Hamlet was gone, "and no more Shakespeare for the rest of my life from you at least!" He almost smiled at that thought, but didn't because he was Feitan and Feitan never smiles.

"Let this be a lesson to you, Hamlet," Kuroro said, smirking happily, "we shall leave you here of course, with no one to insult. Of course, you could share a nice non-verbal conversation with your new buddy, the –Ing… which reminds me. Without your Words, you can't possibly be called Hamlet. You shall now be called –Tion."

-Tion glared at him angrily.

"Bye, -Tion!"

"We shall see you some other time, maybe."

"Now the Jug Lake has two legends. The –Ing and the –Tion."

"Yeah… that's funny, Ubogin, never thought you could think of it that way."

"And there's always the _shalnarkian dirtinus_. I'll tell them to keep an eye on both legends, and make sure –Tion can't drown himself blowing bubbles."

"Yeah."

"Yeah?"

"Oh yeah."

Laughing, the Genei Ryodan walked away into the sunset, glad of a mission completed… though the goal had obviously been changed somewhere along the mission.

-Tion glared at them angrily.

Then gave them the middle finger.

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Back at them abandoned warehouse in York Shin City, Shalnark hummed happily to himself as he read a message off his computer. "Hey guys! I got a message from my _shalnarkian dirtinus_!" he called.

"Really?" Phinx bounded down, followed shortly behind by Shizuku and Kuroro. "You got an e-mail from a lump of dirt?"

"A few lumps of dirt," Shalnark confessed, "I left them a portable waterproof, shockproof, dirt-proof, foolproof laptop and taught them how to use it."

"…"

"…"

"My, you don't say."

"What did they say anyway, Shalnark?"

"Oh," Shalnark smiled, "well, they said that the –Tion has finally accomplished the art of camouflage, and has become especially fond of eating algae. He seems to have lost the distaste for the primitive, and has taken to howling at the moon when it is full. From what the _dirtinus_ can tell, it seems to have some kind of boosting effect on his male ego."

"My, you don't say."

"As for the –Ing…" Shalnark paused as they all took a one minute silence to sit and smile dreamily at the memory of the –Ing, "Well… he's going along fine, and seems quite happy with his new companions. The _dirtinus_ have become quite fond of him too, and helps him clean those hard to reach places on his back when he bathes in the Jug Spring."

"My, you don't say."

Kuroro stood up and dusted the back of his pants with a sigh. "That was good news anyway," he said, "now, we've just got to wait for the rest of the Genei Ryodan to turn up before we can make anymore plans to rob all the underground auctions in York Shin City."

"Yeah… hey, where's Hisoka?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Well, I just noticed that the earth has been trembling a lot less lately… and if he isn't around, this is a good time to actually get a sane conversation out of Machi."

"Oh… I think he ran off to take the Hunter's Exam. It ends just before the date we all agreed to meet on."

"Ah… that would explain why Macbeth's sitting in his room and crying to himself."

"Yeah. Those two make a weird pair."

"Yeah."

"Yeah."

Kuroro sat back on the cardboard box. "It is nice to be able to sit on old mouldy cardboard boxes instead of having to trudge through miles upon miles of dirt," he reflected, smiling happily, "now we do nothing and wait, Kumo. Did you happen to know, by the way, that we spend almost one third of our lives waiting? Bet you didn't know that. Well, I've say it's a good waste of time."

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Deep in the Jug's Forest, a group of hunters sat around a campfire, exchanging stories. "Bet none of you have ever heard of the Jug's Legend," one of them said suddenly.

"What Jug's Legend? This primordial pit has a legend?"

"Yeah. Wait till you hear it, it'll scare the bones out of your skin!" the first hunter cackled. He leaned forward and gestured for the rest to do so as well. "It is said that deep in the forest lives two hideous creatures, the –Ing and the –Tion. They are lovers, two creatures bonded in marriage by evil, some say, for they always travel together with their brood of tiny, dirt-like babies, all the ten million of them."

"Sick," some one gasped, and they all huddled closer together.

"Oh yes. It is said that every night on a full moon, the –Tion comes out to hunt man-flesh. Right before the hunting, he will give a hideous howl to send the prey running. It's more fun for him they say," the first hunter went on, adding on to the tale with gruesome relish, "He walks like a man, but never speaks. Some say, his speech was taken away by a great goddess for his sins. Yet run he still can, and he runs like the wind, with his claws and fangs flashing out to sink into flesh! He loves blood, they say and he will hack even the smallest baby to pieces to drink it."

"Oh god…" someone groaned, and one of the weaker hunters started to feel a little faint.

"As for the –Ing!" the hunter went on, grinning at the sight of their frightened faces, "It is said she is huge, as large as a mountain, but as silent as a ghost. It is impossible, some say, to know when she will appear. Remember the village over there? Well, some says it was destroyed by her, and the villagers never even knew she was coming. It is said that she has a voice sweeter than any music, and all who listen to it fall under her spell, and will eventually be eaten _alive_, still smiling as she crunches up their bones."

"Gruesome," someone mumbled.

"Ain't it?" the hunter said, grinning, "It's a great legend, but a legend only, I should say." He laughed at their glares. "Sleep well, babies," he went on, "no –Tion or –Ing will be coming around to eat you up!"

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Behind the bushes, two _dirtinus_ stared at the hunters as they patted down their beds to sleep. They exchanged looks then they turned around and stared at the –Ing, the –Tion and their _dirtinus_ comrades frolicking happily in the lake while enjoying a feast of algae. Then they looked back at each other again and made up their minds.

This was one issue they so did not need to tell Shalnark.

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Author's Note: Ha ha… and here comes the end of a nice, epic story. Hmm… I really want to thank all my reviewers (for the last time) here, because this is my first fanfic, and my reviewers have been exceptionally kind to me. Just a couple of things to add on; I am a great fan of Terry Pratchett, and I think most of his readers can see his influence in my writing. Some of the theories in here (like the "chance in a million" one cited by Hisoka can be attributed to him.

Coincidentally, without really meaning to, I added a bit of pro-environmentalist issues in there, like how the –Ing is great before Man (Hamlet) came to influence it. It isn't political, so don't get pissed with me for that.

In conclusion, thanks for reading. It has been fun for me, and I hope it has been the same for all of you! Do continue to support me when I put out new fanfics! 

**The End**


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